Everything's been changing. I left one toxic friend group, but only to fall into another one. I don't want people to think I'm not okay. I won't tell my parents, I won't tell my friends, none of the people I'm supposed to trust. But I don't know who else to turn to. I just have to tell someone, just to feel less alone. I have friends. But not a group. Ever since all the drama in my past groups happened, we stopped hanging out, and I lost some people I realize I needed, all because of fighting and secrets. It feels insignificant to be damaged by some friends a year ago, compared to all the worse hardships out there. If you're going through anything worse, I'm so so sorry. I shrunk myself over the past couple of years. Made myself smaller so that others around me could step on my feelings, because it meant they kept me around. But that's backwards. It took me too long to realize that I wasn't doing anything wrong. But It felt like I was. It still does. Like saying that makes me selfish, because things that other people said behind my back convinced me that I was a bad person. But I'm not. And I don't want to keep shrinking into the background, agreeing because I don't want to seem difficult. Because if I do then everything will go wrong again. And I'm afraid. It feels alien to be valued now. I wish it didn't.
