[ reshare ] i want to Start by saying thank you to everyone who reached out to me. you are all wonderful wonderful wonderful people and i appreciatE every single one of you. whether ive knowN you for years or never even met you it truly does mean the world to me that you took the time out of your day to talk to me. to listen. i might not get arounD to replying to everyone. not today, not tomorrow, not in a week. but i have seen every comment and message. tHank you for your support. a wEek passed by pretty fast, huh? that deadline i gave myself was honestLy the only reason i decided to write this at all. at the same time this Past one took forever. tw: self[p41n], sv1c1d3, d3pr35510n, perceived v10l3nc3 well. despite it all, i am still here. despite the marks on my neck and the pain when i breathe and everything else, i am still here. despite waking up to a bl00d stained bathroom floor at 2 in the morning, i am still here. this past week has been h311 for me. i havent wanted to think, therefore ive done everything to avoid it. i dont want to be in my thoughts right now. i dont want to be in my thoughts ever. its not better either. the hallucinations are worse, if anything. along with the spiders and the people monitoring me and the people trying to k!11 me there is now a flatline. i dont know how i know but i know its my flatline. its the sound of my heart stopping. everything hurts. i still cant breathe. something still feels missing. im still shaking constantly. and my heart physically hurts. how do i fix this? how do i even keep on living? i keep looking for an answer that doesnt exist. "be kind to yourself, youre in shock. you have every right to cry." i cant be though. i cant. because nobody knows how much this hurts. they dont know what suddenly made me silent. "youll get through this and figure it out." i dont even know how to live. i havent been alive since it all happened. "itll be okay." no. it. wont. every little thing that reminds me of what hurts most makes me cry. every comment i used to be able to take makes me break down. everything and anything hurts a hundred thousand million times more. the people who should support me through this tell me that im just faking for attention. because they dont know what happened. they say im making my voice quiet on purpose, even though every word tears apart my throat. they say nothings wrong with me because im "happy". "youre not d3pr3553d. i see you smile sometimes." who said everyone who smiles has to be happy? who said everyone whos d3pr3553d has to be alone in a dark room all day? whoever invented it, life was a horrible idea.
