i feel awful. awful. i keep telling everyone lies, about how i feel. its so soon after my return, and i want to keep being that bubbly, kinda edgy, nice person that i was. that i WAS. im not going to be specific about my problems, but it feels like something is tearing all my relationships apart. i just stopped knowing how bright earth is. i still have fun, but everything is so much more.. how do i put it into words?? it’s so much more stale, i guess if you compared mold as the same to what im feeling. its just feels stale. i hate trying to explain things, but i dont know how i keep getting myself up and telling myself to keep going, even though thats not how humans work. im constantly dragging myself down when im saying im fine. it’s not fine. i sound dramatic and maybe im overreacting because if someone knows my situation it doesnt seem like much. but i feel horrible. im lazy. i haven’t done anything the whole of my weekends. im just rotting in a chair staring into my devices for hours. it’s horrible. i feel like im going to explode. i hate school. i hate the way my family is treating each other. i hate how i cant just find a way to block out the noise of thoughts in my head. it’s horrible. i keep worrying about dying, even though thats decades away. i keep worrying about something, always. i know my parents and my brother are just a few rooms away, but i always feel like there’s an intruder. im getting too paranoid, because nothings going to happen. why am i getting involved in my family’s problems? ive always been the younger child, the goody two shoes, and i love my family and they love me, but idk anymore if i can truly depend on them anymore. i feel separated from everyone. my friends, my teachers, my family, noone knows how i feel, and i dont know either. im a mess. i dont feel like a human anymore. i know everyone else is having problems, too. we’re supposed to help each other with those problems, right? i cant, and i cant let anyone solve mine. they wont ever understand. and i know people are going to say, “no, they will!” no, they wont ever. they wont believe me. not ever. ive lived a web of lies so long, i just cant turn back and solve my problems. im down. really down. im sorry to c5 that i cant finish my part of anososa, im sorry to mom and dad and zycon2018 bc i lied to you for 3 years, im sorry to threeboi bc i just talked to you about continuing the collab, and im sorry to myself for not helping myself. i won’t be back in a while, not when im in this state. im going to reflect. im sorry. really sorry
