I've been having a hard time for a very long time, between myself, my parents, my siblings, life events, and school. My enbyfriend moved to Ohio over the summer, and I haven't been able to regulate myself as much without them by my side. Additionally, every time I think I've found a support group or any peers I can be open with over text or website not immediately regulated by them.. that gets removed. I'm only able to get onto Scratch because I get done with my schoolwork really quickly, and it's obviously not blocked on school devices. So I can do it at school in my free time. (Note that when I say parents I mean bio dad and stepmom. My bio mom is not part of the negativity and I wish she wasn't all the way in Michigan.) Additionally, both of my younger siblings seem to hate me. My sister is openly queerphobic and ableist, and she did at one point declare, in essence, that autistic people weren't people. And my brother hasn't developed the common sense to not laugh at me when I get hurt or angry, so he'll actively aggravate and bother me for entertainment. I also only have like 10 supportive classmates, and almost everyone in my school turns me into the butt of their jokes or a thing to be ridiculed. Interacting with me often and being friendly towards me seems to degrade people's social status just because. I'm also one of the most talented, fastest learning percussionists in the band, and there are two others who often don't know what they're doing and will bully me relentlessly either way, which I think is total bull. I mean, why bully me when I'm playing 5 different instruments in the upcoming concert by choice and you can't even read snare drum music? Ugh, those people are so mean. And there are other people who will yell "there's 0nly 2 genders" when walking past me in the hallway or talk about autism like it's the literal plague (spoiler alert: it's not), which is also plenty irritating. I also HATE when someone mumbles something inaudible about autism and then won't tell me what they said, meaning if they're spreading lies I can't correct it and if they're being honest I can't be proud of them. I also have ASD, ADHD, BPD, Bipolar Disorder Type II, OCD, and PTSD. I have to deal with all of that. All of that. While being actively bullied. When and where the teachers don't give a flying crap. Lately, I've been wondering if all of this is my fault despite knowing it's not. I've been having thoughts of s31fh and [self murder] lately, and I can't find anyone who I can trust to listen without telling my parents.. telling my parents will just make it worse, because they won't care. They'll probably get mad at me, probably yell at me and tell me that I need to get off the internet when in reality the internet is my only safe space. This is why I don't trust in person. This is why I know so many bypasses and workarounds for things and restrictions. Because my life literally depends on it.
(had to censor only to keep Scratch from muting me???) Before you tell me to text or call 988, I F---ING CAN'T. EDIT: Not me announcing like 3 days AFTER the discovery that it's not PTSD, it's C-PTSD.
