Vent

Instructions

Sunday, no idea which date... To be honest, I had no will to write down any of this, but things have been hitting me like rocks lately and I REALLY needed an listening ear right now. This is an note from me a few days ago, the me whose mind felt like going to explode and that my departure would be meaningless, so have in mind that my words were from an alterated me, and that I have no plans of self-injuring or anything (sadly, again). "We're at my grandma's apartment right now, my head is hurting like if I had, once again, slammed it against a wall, it's hard to breath due to my asthma, and I also feel way too tired to force my lungs to work properly. Honestly, I feel tired of everything, I've been tired for ages now, it was more than once that I felt the NEED to lay down and reach an eternal slumber. But lately, the voices are getting louder, and I'm becoming weaker. I can keep up despite everything, I am strong, I need to be strong, always... but is getting harder each day, each moment, each second that I take another breath, I feel my lungs pressing, ready to pop like ballons, and I feel every milissecond of this endless torture. I am barely being able to live, as I'm mostly worrying about life all the time. I've not been living for months now. I'ts like if i had a empty space on my chest, and even thought I try to fill it, it's meaningless. My mind is also succumbing to all of this, my thoughts are even more fumbled than before and I'm starting to see, feel and taste colours. More than once I caught myself almost falling to my inner thoughts and doing stupid decissions. Gods, if i alredy were a jumbled mess before I am even more now... But let me stop yapping here and tell alredy what happened for me to click and panic" "The day came on well, I had a panic attack yesterday, but that doesn't matter really. It was midnight, I were getting ready to sleep, and for the school that I should've have the next day (I'm still yet very busy with work and such), but seems like life doesn't want me to have peace, because it didn't take 5 minutes, for my mother to start fighting with my younger brother, again. I won't put in much details, because my inner self made me cowardly cover my ears and eyes, so I mostly ignored everything, but in general, what happened was: My brother misbehave and acted very bratty because he didn't want to brush his teeth (I think), and my mother then kicked open the bathroom door that he had locked. Like, she literally broke it. Now, hear me, I know that what she did was wrong and dangerous, but she has some anger issues, my brother also does, and neitheir of them try to help each other not to tick, so technically, both were wrong in this history. After so, my father also entered on all this mess, and told us to pack up (for only a day or two), and in the car, he said in the plain dead silence "I'll call the police". Everything is happening so fast, yet so slow, and I feel like I'm about to break fully. I'm honestly trying so hard not to cry right now. He keeps saying stuff like "You guys will never se your mother again", "You'll won't see your grandma", "She'll be getting back to her mother's house", etc. My mind is hurting so much that thinking hurts at this point, and I can't bare it alone anymore. I feel so preassured of everything, like I need to be a good student, a good child, always happy all, the, time! But i'm barely making over each day that passes. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I don't rest. My wrist started to hurt a few days ago and even then I'm still drawing and writting school assigments. At this point I'm even started to feel ashamed of writting this vent, and I'll probably throw it away as soon as I finish. Oh well, back to the topic again. He DID call up the police later on, and we are now going to sleep at my grandma's. He said he was going back so my mother wouldn't do any harm to herself or just destroy the house, and my grandpa's are trying to shove out all of this chaos, acting like nothing happened. I'm glad for their attempts to call me down (because my brother doesn't even BUDGE of anything that's happening), but I myself have been sweeping problems away for way too long, and now is like they are stacking over and ready to pounce at me. To be honest, I'm the ONLY one here to get affected by all of this that's happening,I'm the weaker amdist all of this, even thought i should've be way more prepared, taking in I alredy have alot of experience with all of this, right?..." Anyways, I'm trying hard to keep myself working (workaholic) (as it keeps me occupied and doesn't let my mind really ponder on all of this), finish drawings, and alot of things i promised to some folks here on scratch, but, I can't, and no work is killing me slowly like more torture. I felt empty, and now I'm also feeling useless, fully. I dunno when I'll be back, but hopefully "The Boiled Gambler" and "Drawing The People That I Follow" will be back with updates at january or sooner.