This rant is about me, and I'm pretty long, so I don't really expect everyone to fully read this lol. So I might not responding to any comments about this, I will read them, but overall I'm sensitive about this. I just want to tell people about this, for everyone in my life, when I tell them, they either break down crying for me or call me an 'oversensitive teenager'(I'm barely a teenager, what?) - - - So I'll start by clarifying a few things about me, my mental health is bad, I have bad accommodative esotropia, which cause my eye to turn inward, looking like I have a lazy eye, my digestive system doesn't work at all, I have asthma, PTSD(specifically from hospitals), an eating disorder, and overall I am gullible and a push-over. :P - - - Ever since I was little, kids at school would make fun of me when my glasses fell off. The glasses, which corrected my eye, were very important to help my eye stay normal, even though I can see fine without it. My first year of school, like kindergarten, where everyone was suppose to be friends, I had only fake friends and kids that called me ugly, not that I'm arguing with that, but telling that to 5 year old child? Kids would always make me take off my glasses, only to laugh and sneer in my face. I came home crying to my mother about it, it got so bad to the point where my kindergarten teacher had to have a talk with me about how I was 'beautiful' and that the other kids were being 'silly' Yikes. Fast forward to now, the same kids, they leave me alone, but if I accidentally bump them in the hall, they flinch away like they touched something disgusting. - - - Then I have my health problems. I constantly hear others laughing and joking about my health problems, they don't care that someone might have it, they certainly don't know I have it, but it hurts. It all hurts. - - - Then I push myself. I'm known as the 'smart' kid in school, everyone borrows answers and pencils from me, but they don't really care... Only the teachers really notice me, or my 2 irl friends at school, but they aren't in any of my classes. Now here's the problem, I can't say no. It's two letters, just "N" and "O", but I can't do that. 'Hil can I have a pencil? I'll give it back!' 'sure' They never give it back, lol, but it's annoying, kids are starting to notice it. 'Hil can I have your lunch?' (they complain about how it's gross the whole time, don't give it back, just throw it away or make everyone else eat it) 'Hil can I borrow your stress ball?' (they give it back broken) 'Hil can I have your homework, so I don't have to do mine?' 'Hil Clean my table' 'Hil get out of my way' 'Aww Hil, you're so kind, I love the way you painted your nails! Can I have a pencil?'(fake smiles...) ... You know what I say? Even when they're being nasty? 'Sure' It's my fault really, people realize that I am a push-over, it's like a game now to see how much they can take from me before my irl friends step in But they realize I can't stand up for myself, and I often get pencils and paper thrown at me from across the room. It's annoying, but what am I suppose to do? I don't like seeing people get in trouble, if they're doing that, maybe they're upset with me? Maybe I did something bad? Maybe I need to try better? I'm sure that it's all my fault in some way, just need to figure out how... - - - Then there's my health. About a year or two ago, I had to stay at the hospital for 43 days, because my intestines weren't working. I was so dehydrated and sick. Every 6 months I go in for a procedure, but it isn't working anymore. My father says he doesn't want to pay for anymore of those, But there's a more effective, more expensive thing we could do, that we might have to do, to make me feel better. They want to put a tube into me, that will make it so we can put fluids into my digestive system so it can move. Not an IV. I forget what they called it, lol. But, I don't want a tube in me, not yet, I'm too... scared. But I want to feel better at the same time. I tell myself constantly: "I'm Fine" "This is meant to happen." "You're so selfish Hil, how can you pity yourself when you have it better than so many people?" - - - Now, don't get me wrong, I'm very lucky, my family cares for me, we have enough money to get along, I am truly blessed, but everything takes such an impact. And I sound so selfish saying stuff like this when so many people have it worse everyday. - - - So here I am, lol typing onto this device, pitying myself. If you actually read this, wow, lol - - - ANYWAYS! You guys are amazing, and this community really helps brighten everything up! My online friends are amazing, y'all have been nothing but nice, every-day that I wake up and see a notification, even just one, my whole day seems to get better. I can't wait to talk to everyone in the future, I'll keep y'all posted on the surgery thing if that happens, and I'm grateful for every single one of you ^^ - - - And that wraps everything up! Hil is out!
