okay so like, today i got my flu shots! normal, right? just your normal covid and flu shots. WELL. of course, smth really grinded my gears when i was there- the people were really nice and caring !! :3 but, there was a free blood pressure tester, and my mom was sitting on the seat, since there were only 2 chairs, right? normal. some nice, somewhat old man POLITELY, and i cannot stress this enough, he POLITELY asked my mom to move, to test his pressure. she moved, like a normal person, but later, she complained to my DAD, aka the man she BROKE UP WITH, MIND YOU, about how the guy was MEAN to HER?? excuse me, what?? and i did speak up, and tell dad what actually happened, but, of course, i was brushed off-- they BOTH do this, by the way, but mom is slightly better. it's so annoying when my dad tells me to stop fidgeting/stimming when i gotta do smth, because, like..i just gotta DO smth! talking to him, i sway, a NORMAL thing i do to fidget, and i move my hands and tend to "act" when talking, just to like..emphasize when i talk, it makes me feel more expressive, which then comforts me! but he then FORCED me to stand STILL and talk to him. so, of course, i couldn't like..LEVEL or like..even out my mind so i could talk, so i just stopped talking and almost began to show weakness and CRY in front of this man. BUT, i am stronk, so i didnt. also they (mom, my brothers, and dad) all picked on me for having tiny hands like YES I KNOW STOP PICKING ON ME FOR MY TEETH (i have snaggle teeth because they didnt grow in right) I CANT JUST FIX THEM- i hate talking to my family because, even as i favorite mom because she doesnt HURT me, they're all still so mean to me, and yes, i am mean to my siblings as well, but like..not AS mean. also, they're all MOSTLY HOMOPHOBIC (alex isnt and mom like..is, but like selectively?? to me and NO ONE ELSE) SEXIST (except the goat, alex) ACTUALLY JUST BULLIES OMG im cooked bro i cant take it anymore, like, genuinely. i feel like im being suffocated in a large room (i love small spaces so like..it wouldnt be unpleasant if i was in one) and then i think of all the dumb and mean stuff I do, and then i feel even WORSE because like.. i know like..some friends might read this (hiii!!!! helloooo!!! :3) but i gotta say like..i am genuinely a terrible friend, they cant convince me otherwise at this point, im wayyy too far gone. I've healed so much since my rough patches, but im gonna hit rock bottom again soon. my parents wont try to get me help, even after i ask, or they even OFFER. i drown myself in a huge ocean full of my own thoughts, since i either CANT express them, or just DONT choose to, since im afraid of the outcome of what i say. sometimes, i wont talk for DAYS (not verbally, usually when i cant see friends at sucky school) because i have too much on my mind that will cause problems, for me, or family. it's my fault we even HAVE our current custody schedule, and i feel bad for my brothers because they wanna see our dad more often, but im just holding them back. i hold EVERYONE back, really. i know that they're also scared of dad, but they wanna see him since hes DYING. my tablet doesnt work, i cant talk to most of my irl friends now for 15 whole days since the break, my chromebook is school-registered (took it when covid hit, they dont want it back) and i cant use disco. im like some kind of life-sucking plant, i just attach myself to someone and drain them of all their energy until they kick me away. i dont feel hungry anymore, i dont even wanna get out of bed anymore. i need to find a personality that i can feel HAPPY with. i dont feel like myself, i never have, basically. i dont know WHO i am, what im GOOD at, and i just mask everything i feel! even around friends, and i trust them like they are tombs to hide my secrets in! and even then, im a TERRIBLE friend! i dont know how ANYONE wants to be around me, really. i swear, my mom is right, i act way too similar to my friends, so much so ive forgotten myself. and i found out that my dad LOOKS THROUGH MY STUFF WHEN IM NOT HOME! MY SKETCHBOOKS, NOTEBOOKS, EVERYTHING! oh my god, i jsyt cant do it. my friends, my parents, my siblings, my girlfriend, deserve a better person. its so hard to love people for me, even if im a LOVER. i dont even know how i hold up my relationships with people for so long! i get so FIXATED on finding something, to complete me, like a new dad, for instance. i get so FIXATED on those dumb things that they become my whole personality! jesus, i dont even think i DEVELOPED my own personality, all i am is just SOUNDS. i just wanna sleep forever. but then that makes me feel selfish. (no wee woo joke sadly) i feel selfish for wanting to go away forever, because i remember that i DO have people who care about me. then i feel even WORSE, because they'll miss me when im gone. i get so angry at everything, like myself. and then i get these MASSIVE, DUMB MOOD SWINGS, which makes me WORSE TO BE AROUND! | V
like, at one point, im all silly and happy, and then, the next, im just an absolute duche. oh god, im probably just seeking attention at this point, oh my god, my parents are probably right. yeah, a child seeks attention for no reason, right? hmmm, yeah, i wonder if that might be linked to, i dunno, how i was RAISED?? because there can be many reasons someone seeks attention, it could be because they always got it, and crave that attention because they never went without, or maybe its because someone went WITHOUT, and crave it because they never got enough, or even ANY. now, i dunno where i sit in between these, but i know that i didnt have a normal childhood, both because of covid, and because of my parents. sometimes, i just wanna rip my teeth out slowly, just to try and understand how im supposed to feel about bad or painful things. i dont understand anything anymore, i really dont. i dont even like being a PERSON, i dont like the EXPECTATIONS of a human. i dont like being picked on, or being different, i wanna blend in, but when i do, i just feel sick. without people, without someone, without friends, i feel like NOTHING. and i NEED that attention, that affection, those happy memories to replace everything my memory loss HASN'T FORGOTTEN. i just cry for no reason in my room almost all the time, even when im safe. i break down crying in the van because charles and his friends picked on me when getting home. i dont know how long i can take thisssssss !! im cooked, arent i?? goodness me, look already back to my happy, silly self !! tee hee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! charles is so lucky that he gets to miss a day at dad's house today, jesus christ- at this point, throw me into the looney bin, will ya?? i need this at this point. im not safe with myself, i know it. im trying to heal the not very nice marks on my limb from myself, but i cant do this anymore, oh my god i just gotta breathe, yeah? i gotta just talk to myself, and try to rebuild that old mindscape i used to escape to when i was little, right?? that'll help, a little bit. anyways time to make will wood on pt again thanks zeph for the pin again i love it <33 also uhm yeah im sorry for being a not good friend, i cant like..tell you irl or in general because ill feel weak and then unsafe :[ uhm yes sigma sigma im gonna combust
