Going on Hiatus

Instructions

Y’know, I told myself when I first got on scratch that I’d never take a hiatus, but here I am in the mental dirt on Christmas eve treading on glass and wanting to leave. I’ve never had any sort of problem with depression or anything negative because I was always brushed off, so I kinda became immune in a way. I just told myself all the good things and so now when I feel negative I end up in a neutral state. Recently I’ve been driven to anger a lot over the past year. I am not getting along with my close family very well, except for Vespertor, who’s also getting the sharp end of the same hammer I’m getting, it rolls off him a bit more than it does on me. I tell myself it doesn’t matter, because it doesn’t, sure I could tell them how I feel, but the one time I did that I got told off, so I kept it bottled up. Well the bottle is quite full. I cry rarely because I’m not very emotional. I do have my flaws, yes, I am forgetful way more than I should be, probably due to my lack of sleep from my breathing. Yes I should be able to retain information for more than seconds in my brain, and I know I can, but it just…happens. I mentally beat myself up but I can’t seem to fix it, so I feign not caring…which drives them up the walls. I should be close to them, but we argue all the time. I don’t feel safe around them. They accuse me, and if I defend myself it’s talking back. They say they trust me but they don’t. No matter how many times they apologize (which is like, 3 total I remember) and promise to do better, it never happens. Sure I promise to be better, or try to be better and fail, but at least I tried instead of saying empty words. And no matter how much you say mine are empty that doesn’t mean it’s true. I didn’t grow up the way you did, so you can’t say I shouldn’t be struggling because you were fine. You shouldn’t use the benefits you provided me against me. My teachers tell me I’m smart, and I don’t believe them. Every year of life I’ve lived with what I was told, “what kind of <guardian> does this? Be grateful” and I am, you’ve done so much, but it ends there. Because I grew up believing no other person possibly did the things mine did, and all others were strict. Till I met others, and they did the same things mine said no others did and more. It’s always been rivals between us, but it’s gotten worse. They hate my pet parrot and wishes him dead. One time when he flew away I ran to where he flew. Mango was scared, I was scared, and I was 100% going to climb a 60ft pine tree to search the leaves and get him back. I went to the one person I trusted and wholeheartedly believed could get Mango back. We did get him back, and I did hurt myself and hop multiple tall fences, and climb a tree during a time where I shouldn’t have even been walking around, but I was so happy and thankful we got him back, when one time they, in an argument over him (mango), says that he (who helped me) was debating on leaving Mango and letting him fly away because he didn’t want him. But…he was always so nice to my bird? And he willingly came to help, dropping all his work, to get him back? I felt betrayed, very much so, by the person I trusted with my whole heart, but even more confused and mad that they could be lying. Were they? I don’t know, they’re not a deceptive person at all, but I’m doubting. There are things me and Vespertor want, as any kid does, and if They don’t like it, They won’t buy it, but nothing is stopping us from using our own money. They say we can buy it ourselves if we want it, then put a ton of barriers to stop us in another way. And if we do loophole (which follows all rules set) and get said thing, they veto it or put a threat on it. What kinda villain type move is that? No matter how much we make something OURS it’s like government property, can be taken at will. My parrot? I paid over 500 dollars for everything, Mango, the cage, stuff, and they still tell me They can kick him outside whenever. They customized a room for me, it’s literally custom painted to MY preference and it’s MY room, but wants to boot me out to put my two sibs in that room. Sure, fine I live rent free, understandable. Someone bought Minecraft for us all, it was a gift, it’s ours now, right? NOPE it’s getting deleted on new years by their orders. Vespertor save up hundreds of dollars for 3 years and got a Nintendo switch 2, and games, all out of pocket, but They told him as he was heading out to pick it up “Keep in mind, even if you bought it with your money, I can take it away” … MY GOSH like, SERIOUSLY? And then mentions a specific game and says if they find it in the house it’s getting thrown away no matter what (it’s LOZ, we have both BOTW and TOTK but I don’t think they know…) GEEZ talk about everyone owns all resources and nobody has private property… I don’t trust them, I don’t trust them one bit, my thoughts aren’t safe, my stuff isn’t safe. (Cont)