I wonder why I am compelled to share my feelings when I don’t really want to But I do anyway I tell them the plans I have I tell them how broken I feel my brain has been battered and bruised over the years and years of being the therapist friend the friend who is afraid to lose everyone and everything the friend who is afraid of failure the friend who will never call you out because you are all I have You know it and you take advantage of it you call me a coward you tell me you do so much for me When really the only thing you do for me is make me hate myself even more I am broken You don’t have to laugh at me for it You don’t have to ask if I’m okay You don’t have to do anything Just let me figure it out and if I want to talk about it I will I promise I’ve become a master at the art of masking masking the pain masking the numbness masking the anxiety masking the hate masking the Not Normal I’ve become a master at hiding my imperfections I tiptoe walking around on shattered glass afraid of what might happen if I show who I really am I mask the overthinking in my mind the endless questions asking if they really care or are pretending again I mask the endless worry Are they really staying this time You see kindergarten me my best friends and I we drifted away as the years went on my fourth grade best friend moved fifth grade moved sixth grade girlfriend my first kiss moved everyone always Moves Away figuratively and literally the universe forces its way between me and happiness me and having A friend friends have Ends the hardest thing i could ever do is ask you to love me like I love you through the imperfections through the mistakes no matter what you do i just want you to love me like I love you I wish people would stop asking questions asking why I have so many scars I wish I would stop answering them when they ask I know I don’t owe them anything I just can’t say no the thing about being nice to people is that they always test your limits like stretching a rubber band to see if it will break or bend I wonder if one day I’ll really snap and they’ll all see what’s been happening to me another hard thing to do is ask for help when you’ve asked so many times and gotten nothing in return it’s so hard Everything is difficult now I can’t hate you even after all you’ve done I just can’t hate you like I should You hurt me you did But I can’t hate you I just can’t I wish someone would love me I wish someone cared I just wish someone would hold me even when I’m scared I wish someone loved me enough to stay for more than just one day I wish promises were real I wish you meant it when you told me you loved me I wish you meant it I wish you loved me like I loved you But when promises turn to memories my hand in yours turns to dust the fear of abandonment gets worse
