it seemed as though nothing went right in leaplupine's life anymore. well, no, okay, that wasn't quite correct. plenty of things went well. shadowclan didn't go hungry; shadowclan's borders were secure; everyone was safe and her own sister was a medic apprentice. so why, exactly, did leaplupine trudge through the days like she was encased in mud? like she could see everything, but no one could see her, and if they did, no one would want to approach a cat caked in mud anyways. as she'd sat beneath the moonlight on a short ledge in camp, these thoughts whirled through her mind. they weren't very pure thoughts, no. definitely not ones that her younger self would have. but then, lulu reflected bitterly, life wasn't like the one her younger self dreamed of either. warriorhood was supposed to be full of whimsy; of tinkling, carefree laughter; of endless smiles and sparkling eyes. she glanced back down at her paws, smile twisting. change happened with and without her efforts. change included losing things. losing her siblings, her mother, her friends. losing peace. losing ambition. it seemed all that happened these days was negative change. she took in a breath, turning to the skylight in the cave. the moonlight twinkled; far away, but bright as ever. it was surrounded by stars. it was surrounded by things. it was surrounded by /friends./ yet, it was lonely. a bit like her. just a bit. trapped in a cage surrounded by keys. she stood up abruptly, the bustle of the camp suddenly suffocating. suddenly itchy and uncomfortable, like being trapped in mud. leaplupine padded outside, deliberately and dreamily. only under the stars could she breathe again, could she think again. the grass was cool beneath her paws, the earth hardened with leafbare's grip. only here, beneath the endless expanse of the night, could she see the keys of the cage. no one would come to save her. no one would take the keys and turn the handle and lead her outside, and embrace her and tell her it was alright. leaplupine was alone. daringwhisp was gone, boptumble was barely around, dahliapromise ... dahliapromise was still there. but she didn't want to trouble her mother any further. she'd cried into her shoulder before. lea had vented in the drizzling rain. that was a painful memory. she shut that away, jaw clenching, light blue eyes misted. no, she couldn't run crying to her mother anymore. leaplupine was a full grown warrior, for stars' sake. she didn't have anyone .... a new scent hit her nose. she blinked; leaplupine had strolled absent-mindedly to the loners' border. a certain smile popped up in her mind. gentle, with a butterfly on her nose. another smile, quirky but genuine, black bangs falling over her piercing, tired eyes. she didn't have anyone ... in shadowclan. her own shadow-rimmed gaze widening with realization, she stepped over the border. change only happened negatively these days. why? because she'd let it happen. because she'd done nothing. it was about time she made her own change. it was time she grabbed the keys herself. lulu's heart lifted as she glanced back at shadowclan over her shoulder. they'd treated her nicely. she'd never forget what the clan had done for her. but she'd also never felt quite at home, and this was why. people she cared about were there, and she'd never forget them. but ... but leaplupine, now running through the unclaimed lands, traces of a genuine smile on her face, she needed to set herself free. - she's a loner now yayayay
