Today hadn’t been great, It had been horrible actually! He thought with a hint of frustration as he padded quietly through large tunnels and slipping past his sleeping clan mates, his tail lashed behind him as he recounted the events of the day Firstly, he’d woken up late. His mentor having to fetch him instead of himself being ready, the apprentice remembered the hot shame on his neck as he followed her out. He hated to disappoint her- he hated disappointing anyone really. But he couldn’t deny how not up for training he was today, he couldn’t even explain it- like a slow building weight on his back. It had affected him all day, he’d missed catches made silly mistakes- an almost warrior shouldn’t be doing that! He was- frustrated! With himself! He should be better than this! So close to his warrior ceremony and- he didn’t even feel like he deserved it. He felt behind. Inadequate. When he had returned home he didn’t even bother saying hi to anyone just taking a not deserved morsel and sulking in the apprentice den. He remembered curling up, paws flexing inwards and outwards as he tried to just fall asleep. Of course he couldn’t and- well it lead to this. In a slur and a fog of restrained fury, he had raised himself from his nest, side stepping over the alarmingly amount of denmates he had- his tail trailing behind him as he slipped by not only his denmates but his sleeping clan as a whole, he thanked whatever stars above that nobody tried to stop him. Because he certainly didn’t want the company, he snorted to himself. His ever characteristic- childish, smile was gone from his face. When he had transitioned from the comforting dark crevasses and into the moors his feelings hadn’t wavered in the slightest. His mind seemed so set on reminding him of every failure. You could’ve caught that. His claws had missed that squirrel by a hare, he watched with bright blue eyes dejectedly as it scurried up a tree. The apprentice had caught them before- what had changed? The tom could feel the ruby red fog cover his face from embarrassment, he couldn’t even bring himself to look his mentor in the eyes. You could’ve used your claws. He could feel his paws shake, he did. But they weren’t enough, they dug themselves into the ground, leaving behind feeble marks, So different from his own clans, they were able to cut through stone yet he could barely even dig himself this hole. You should’ve blocked that The apprentice hadn’t caught anything after that. The boys eyes were wide as his mentor later approached him, he let himself follow her to a clearing. Admittedly, he was never a good fighter. He had always succeeded much more in hunting than fighting but as he was soon to be a warrior it was an unfortunate requirement. As they went through the basic motions- later transitioning into a spar he had made yet another mistake, another easily /preventable/ mistake. He winced, he could feel his face flush again. The blue eyes failed to meet his mentors yet again. That was one of the most basic moves- one of the first he had been taught to correctly block and move with to transition into an attack- it was basic warrior skills! And he was so close to his ceremony. You should’ve spotted that. His head chided again, he couldn’t help but agree. When his mentor had blended into the moors surrounding the clearing his head went blank, eyes searching wildly for her. Again he failed to spot her, her dark fur, so different from his own, aiding her in an ambush. When compared to himself however- he stuck out like a sore paw pad. Bright orange against the moody greens of the moors? He was a walking eyesore! And he had failed again to do basic duties of a warrior, so did his shame and frustration grow. Why did he keep on messing up? He wondered and accused himself. Was- was he not strong enough? Sure, he figured he was probably weaker than the rest of his clan- he didn’t have their claws. Today only proved how much weaker he was without them but that didn’t mean- or how he couldn’t use their same strategies due to how different his fur was or- Or was he just not enough? < CONT >
>CONT< The apprentice stopped in his tracks, his paws skidding against the purple edges of a familiar beach and interrupting his stupor but as the forbidden words reached his mind. He wasn’t falling behind right? No. He’d been doing this for moons. He knew what he was doing it’s just- he felt so. Different. The apprentice stepped forward, letting the water lap at his white paws, he shifted on them a bit, he hated that word. Different. He wasn’t different though- he didn’t think he was different. He didn’t /feel/ different! He hadn’t before so why did it start now? Was it because of today? He scolded himself, a bad day didn’t mean anything! He could still do anything a normal cavernclanner could! …right..? His ears stuck to the side of his head almost immediately, the frown on his face only increasing, with shaking eyes he looked down at the moonlit waters. he held a paw up to the water, looking at his reflection, no claws. The disaster of the day rang through his mind again, how easy it would’ve been- how much better he could’ve been if he just wasnt- He slammed his paw back down, wincing a bit from shards poking straight into his paw pads. Idiot. The apprentice had mentally chided himself, face contorting into a grimace as he looked away from the water, he hated being mad, it had always made him feel childish. His lip quivered a bit, maybe from the pain, he felt like an overgrown kit and he was almost a warrior! He looked again at his reflection. The boy was met with his own two eyes, two eyes. He tried again to remind himself, he wasn’t different. He wasn’t. Different. Despite his attempts he failed to met himself with his usual reassurance, his lips remained shut and his thoughts focused on the word over and over, he stared at himself. He couldn’t bring himself to it. The boys eyes failed to waver like he wished, he continued to stare. Different. Oh starclan, he /was/ different. why hadn’t he noticed it before? The whispers and comments from warriors, kits, and outsiders and the stares he could feel trace themselves from his tail to his snout like they knew something he didn’t. They knew he wasn’t like them, he was wrong. They knew he was different. They knew a cavernclanner didn’t have two eyes They knew a cavernclanner didn’t have orange fur They knew a cavernclanner SHOULD have claws. They all knew that he was different. Everyone knew that he was different. It had been the reason for his failure after all, the differences, everyone knew that. if only he could just be better, he should’ve been better. The looks he had been given, the words or the comments on his fur, his name for starclans sake only solidified that. Everyone knew that he was different. They all knew he was different He was different. Different. He could feel himself shake, cool breeze ran through but he tried to ignore it. His mind attempted again to reassure him. He tried one last time, he wasn’t different. He told himself. He wasn’t different, again. Again, again. Little-timmypaw scoffed, oh who was he kidding? He was different, everyone knew that.
