so it turns out the reason I felt like knight Optimus is because I am actually considering abandoning these people, as I have sacrificed so much just for them to brush it off whenever. for example, my church. I play air hockey there in a competitive way that is still fair despite somewhat brutal to play against. the leaders keep on reporting to my mother that I'm "aggressive," and my mother is now considering completely exiling me from the children's church area despite the fact that I literally sacrifice sleep to show up at 7:15 and set up rooms and name tag printers. they never even told me they were sending reports so I could potentially change, I didn't know until my mother told me. also those Same leaders that reported me have banned me from air hockey for the "aggression" despite the fact that I see both them and kids doing very similar playstyles. Another thing, I sacrificed $300 to pay off half of a PC 2 years ago, and $125 to pay 10% of the price for some new tires, yet my mother still calls them gifts despite my contributions, heck she even expects me to give money towards them despite the fact that the literal definition of a gift is "a thing willingly given to someone WITHOUT PAYMENT" so technically, the tires and PC aren't gifts. it's also pretty insulting that I have started paying for these utilities like paying half of my part of the electricity, wifi, etc bills and I'm still restricted to 2 hours on said PC as if I don't contribute anything. it's especially disappointing that my entire family was in on ganging up against me, and I really do consider just abandoning my faith in them as human beings. keep in mind, these are supposed to be people I trust. also Initiallly I got a bayverse optimus prime figure, but very soon after, the kids at church accidentally stepped on it, which further adds to my disappointment even if it was an accident because the smokestack broke and the grill can't stay together now. keep in mind that was an extra 50 dollar sacrifice on top of $300 for a PC I'm locked out of, $125 for tires on a car that I can be locked out of at any time, $500+ on games that I cannot access due to the lock on my PC (Microsoft family features). I seriously want to abandon my entire idea of faith and hope in these people because clearly they don't have an attitude good enough to give me some basic respect over my contributions to actual purchases and would rather give me crap over the fact that I don't pay bills for things that they are legally required to provide. It feels like the "light" in my eyes is fading, as I know my eyes get darker under stress, and I feel that soon, dark blue will be the default after I completely lose my faith in my fellow humans after just how much betrayal, loss, and devaluation I've been through, and as of now my current default face is the one seen in the 2nd image. also turns out my agony is caused by the fact that I have inconsistent memory, forgetting some things the moment they're said, and others being unable to forget them, and my many haunting memories just living rent free in the back of my head waiting until all other thoughts have left. also something to add to that is that the many automatic nerf guns I have invested in have been deemed worthless by the hosts of my local nerf tournament so that springer casuals don't have to deal with someone who is fast and skilled with ammo management, so I have to sacrifice more just to satisfy that rule on high power manual action guns. another thing is that I'm paying half of my portion of household bills like electricity and internet, yet I still only get 2 hours to use playing Metal Gear Solid V, meaning I pay half of my own bills, but get half a a piece of trash instead. also I have donned a scarf for covering my lower face and a slightly quieter personality, which is why you might have noticed me not posting as much on scratch now, and am planning on getting an eye patch to signify me becoming more similar to Big Boss from Metal Gear. also the 3rd image is the main one that haunts me because it reminds me constantly of what I don't have. It's also quite illogical that my parents expect me to start getting things that are more "age appropriate" such as electronic devices for when I go to college, yet at the same time they're taking away every reason to by restricting them to only 2 hours of usage which forces me back into relying on transformers and beyblades. So my father offered me an extra hour of use time yesterday if I ate dinner to compensate for time loss, but then when I actually tried using that time past 8PM my mother grounded me. plus the grounding was due to the fact that I was immersed, as the game was meant to be played, and lost track of time and didn't give her my phone or Chromebook by 8PM, meaning I can't get any extra time OR even get immersed in games, leading me to a constant state of distance.
space for next image ______________________________________________ instructions cont. It's like I've become a demon, but I realize that I've been like this pretty much my whole life, haivng been the one to trigger the fact that I was born 3 months early, not caring about the deaths of a few family members when I was around 7 or 8 years old, and now being pretty much disconnected from grades and stuff. It's like my whole purpose in life is to cause them agony. also one night my dad came into my room to remind me that I was awake past my bedtime, and when I questioned him he said that 9PM is the bedime for school, so I asked the genuine question of if that would apply to work days as well since they treat school like a job and got no answer. so I tried going to sleep, but then my dad felt the need to come in one last time a few minutes later to personally insult my eyepatch, saying that he will never see me as mature enough to make my own decisions as long as I'm wearing the eyepatch I don't need, which I'll admit it is purely an aesthetic choice without a practical use but still doesn't deserve an entire insult over the smallest thing. It has lead me to consider that maybe there is no place for me to fully reside here on earth. keep in mind I have no harmful urges, as there is neither logic nor reasoning nor emotion that could potentially drive an action like that. also keep in mind I knew what death was when I disregarded it at 7 or 8, I just didn't care. also speaking of disregarding death itself, a chicken of mine died recently, and I do not care about the death nor the relocation of the other, in fact I was just trying not to laugh at the fact that my mother was sobbing at the bird's death. I also brutalized one of my favorite transformers beyond repair, one which costs $120 off sale, to make a masterpiece of a display, as I have gotten more into displaying transformers, making them more than just toys, but also for displays when I'm not using them. I put the display into the project, it's my modified version of the BMB LS-03. also another thing to mention, I've noticed myself looking back fondly on memories of me being a menace, like how a friend once got mad and broke his water gun trying to smack me with it, and I just kept walking like I never cared. so now I've pretty much lost so much of my humanity that I hardly eat anything throughout the day, having eaten nothing but a single slice of pizza at one point and being just fine. so my uncle actually died (to himself) recently and I still don't care, and I went and entire 24 hours off of nothing to test how far I can push myself because I like breaking limits. got my wisdom teeth removed March 31st, the only real challenge to me was the acid trip that was actually being under the IV, but the numbness was nothing, could still talk normally, and now I don't even feel any aches from the removals 1 day after the process. turns out my mother is threatening to kick me out of the house entirely for eating not even a spoonful of sugar, inflating the severity by mentioning it's more addictive than literal drugs, and I might potentially have a target on my back courtesy of some kids on automatic bikes doing burnouts and shouting slurs in people's driveways in my area. also random fact the girl who rejected me was the only person I've
