Guys, life is hard. The amount of time I can choose to use on this site is slowly and steadily decreasing. My mental capacity? Negative two. Self-confidence? Like... not a real number. Imagination? Holding strong through it all. TBH I think there's only two people I interact with frequently IRL that would call me a friend. I need so badly to focus, to get through the rest of the school year with good grades, because if I don't I'll be switched to homeschooling. The things I want to do in the time I want to do them don't seem to line up well. I don't want to be punished for doing what I love, but I'm kinda punishing myself at this point. And I'm not really sure how much I love those things anymore anyways. I'm realizing some really scary and sad things about myself, not to mention the fact that my great-grandma and her sister passed away within a week of each other. I've got so many issues. I'm not exactly aware of what I'm doing until it ruins everything around me. I use roleplay as an escape outlet because being someone else is so much easier than being myself. I can't say the things that need to get out of my head to the people I need to tell them to. I've spiraled too deep and can't get out. I've got no goals for myself and the only thing I look forward to these days is getting home peacefully. I don't really know who I am. But I still have to fit more things into my already-full head, and I still have to talk with people even if the only way I know how is through art or roleplay or a well-timed reference, and I still have to think even if all my thoughts drive me insane, and I still have to figure out what I'm doing with life because I don't have a job yet and have two full years of school to go and a driver's manual to read, and I still have to speak even if nobody really listens and all the important things I have to share become meaningless when associated with me, and I still have to go outside knowing how many scars I've given myself without even meaning it, and I still have to show up because I don't want to lose any more than I already have. I'm so tired. How do you ask a person why, after both of you agreed to separate yourselves for a while when you did something that messed up a lot, they came back? How do you ask them if they only did it because they felt bad for you? How do you tell them how broken you feel lately? How do you get the answers to the weird or dangerous questions when everyone treats you like a child and gives you the soft, innocent answer because that's the way they think they have to give it to you? How do you find it for yourself when the people you can't ask will find out you looked it up in an instant and ask questions you were trying to avoid? How do you tell them how empty you feel lately? How do you ask if you're okay without it being a rhetorical question? How do you say that sometimes it feels like you have to make yourself breathe because your body acts like it will forget? How do you stay awake when you want so badly to just fall asleep and let it all fade out? How do you feel good about yourself when your thoughts redeem everyone except you? How do you keep smiling these days? I don't know what I'm gonna do from here. I want to keep posting chapters of my weird little story-thing and make art for people to see and talk whenever I want to talk and share things knowing at least one person in the world will get it. I don't want to ruin my grades because I'm looking for an escape or feel sad when I can't talk to a person I've never met or seek solace from absolute strangers or waste all my time refreshing a page 17 times in five minutes in hopes of getting a response or something to laugh at. I need someone to help me slow down. Someone real and present and there for me as soon as they can be. I don't really have that. Therapy kinda got lost somewhere along the way, and I don't have a partner of any shape or form, and all the easy solutions aren't easy anymore. I don't really know what I'm doing right now, I just needed this out of my head. Activity will be... minimal. I'll still be here, just not as much. If I ghosted you somewhere, sorry. I might not get back to you at all. I'll post my chapters and play my roles, but mostly on occasion. Yeah. That's kinda it. I don't have a better way to end this.
