**background & Rant written below** Warnings: - all caps at many times - a little bit of trauma dumping? (only a little, not much info) - vent/rant - also tell me if this is TMI?... I just really need to let this out rn. Background info before vent (basically why what happened affected me as much as it did): So... I was emotionally abused growing up (by one parent, the story is complicated and I'm not about to go in depth) and essentially, I believed I didn't deserve love in any form for a while. (I still struggle deeply with it, but I'm kinda getting better) Every little thing spirals me back to this belief and I have pretty bad self esteem (refer to me as Clover, she/her btw) Now that that's out of the way, here's what happened: In November of last year, I admitted to my crush that I liked her and asked her out to a dance romantically. (IK she's pan or bi for sure, I know she isn't straight, so that's not why) She said yes, but soon told me that she didn't see me that way. I was kinda heartbroken, but eventually moved on since we were never even talking or dating at all, but I was vulnerable with her and she basically had me admit something that's HARD for me to tell anyone seriously (that I love her). Fast-forward to Monday when I learned something... essentially devastating to my mental health. She started dating someone. But the fact that she was dating someone wasn't the issue. It was THE SOMEONE that was the issue. This guy is known to do some not-so-scratch-friendly things, and is not good looking, or nice in any way. I'm not shallow and I don't care about looks ever, but it's hard not to notice when u r having the feelings I am RN. I'm basically thinking that if HE'S worthy of her and I'm not... what does that say about ME. That's kinda what happened. It isn't anything you may think is serious but I'm in an emotional crisis rn and fighting for the little bit of self-love and confidence I had before.
Pls don't mention the "background" portion unless ur referencing it. I mean, if u want to, you can, but I probably won't respond bc I don't like talking Abt it. and tell me if I'm being dramatic or it's not as big of a deal as I'm making it. Be honest plz. Given the "background" portion, I'd never dated anybody, and this is the first person I'd admitted that I liked them like that. Song: Deja vu by Olivia Rodrigo (I love this song)
