?WAR UPDATE: THE CLIFF NOTES The Front: The Bug Empire has developed a "Lag Switch." Our soldiers are freezing in mid-air. The Draft: Everyone with a thumb is now a pilot. The Weather: It is raining static. Do not stick your tongue out. ? COLLEGE FOOTBALL: THE "ELITE 12" THE ONLY TEAMS THAT MATTER The Void State Vultures (12-0) - Stadium is a black hole. No away fans return. Neon City University (11-1) - Uniforms are so bright they blind the defense. Frostbite Falls Tech (10-2) - Home field is an ice rink. They wear skates. The Cyber-Swamp Gators (10-2) - The QB is a mutant lizard. Iron Mountain Miners (9-3) - Defense made of literal steel. The Glitch Valley Ghosts (9-3) - They phase through tackles. Solar Flare State (8-4) - Play on the surface of the sun. University of Wi-Fi (8-4) - Fast connection, weak firewall. The Pixel Plains Panthers (7-5) - Low resolution, high impact. Code Canyon Cobras (7-5) - They strike fast. System Crash State (6-6) - They win by crashing the scoreboard. Error 404 University (0-12) - Opponents can never find the stadium. BOWL GAME OF THE CENTURY: THE DOOMSDAY BOWL: Void State vs. Neon City Prize: The winner gets to survive. PRO FOOTBALL (PFL) DIVISION WINNERS THE "MEGA-LEAGUE" CHAMPIONS NORTH: The Blizzard Beasts (14-2) - They play with a frozen ball. SOUTH: The Swamp Things (13-3) - Offense is unstoppable in mud. EAST: The Gotham Gargoyles (15-1) - Defense turns to stone. WEST: The Silicon Valley Circuits (12-4) - Coached by an AI. SPACE: The Moon Crater Crawlers (16-0) - Undefeated in zero gravity. PRO BASKETBALL (PBA) STANDINGS THE "RIM ROCKERS" The New York Knights - Star Player: Sir Dunks-a-Lot. The LA Lights - They play with a glowing ball. The Texas Titans - Average height: 8 feet tall. The Miami Meltdown - Their court is actually lava. The Chicago Chill - They freeze the clock. TV GUIDE: TONIGHT'S LISTINGS MANDATORY VIEWING 18:00 - "PIMP MY TANK" Plot: We put spinner rims and a disco ball on an M1 Abrams. 19:00 - "SURVIVOR: GLITCH ISLAND" Plot: Contestants try to survive while the island deletes itself pixel by pixel. 20:00 - "COOKING WITH RADIATION" Recipe: Glowing Green Stew (Spicy!). 21:00 - "THE STATIC CHANNEL" Plot: Just white noise. It's the highest-rated show. 22:00 - "ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A ROBOT?" Spoiler: No, you are not. The human always loses. CLASSIFIEDS FOR SALE: One invisible car. I parked it somewhere, can't find it. $50. HELP WANTED: Someone to sweep the server room. Must not be afraid of electric spiders. LOST: My patience. If found, please return to the S.T.A.F. office.
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