They were all faking. All of them. All the people I owed an apology, who KNEW I was going to, reacted by making it so they DIDN'T deserve one. I was scared that night. And I was sad and mad at myself. He came to me and offered me to talk about it. I said yes because I TRUSTED him. In fact, I literally told another friend "I love him" because he was still willing to talk to me. I should've known better. He took those messages, the messages between me and him, the messages where I thought he was just trying to be nice, and showed them off, providing amusement for everyone on the server. He HUMILIATED me, and put a target on my back, and they ALL LAUGHED at me being manipulated. I was going to apologize to them. I OWED them an apology. In fact, I already did apologize to two people involved in what I did (one I'm on good terms with, another I shouldn't have apologized to). I shouldn't have. They don't deserve it. It's kinda funny. I was always nice to people. I was easily forgiving. I always defended the very person who was hating me behind my back. And one of the rare times I lose my temper, that's all I can be seen as. Meanwhile they can laugh at the fact I was manipulated and be happy about it, and they all walk away scott-free. Why should I apologize to them now? They all saw me greeting him. They all KNEW he was talking about me behind my back. And yet they said NOTHING. They kept their yaps shut, because this was providing them with endless entertainment. They found it FUNNY for me to be so clueless. Song is Me and My Madness by Heavenly It really fits how I feel about this whole thing Lemme pull up the lyrics actually (TW for some triggering lyrics (they’re censored)) I hear strings in songs when they're not there I see things in darkness when i'm scared I feel cold out when it's sunny Make a joke and laugh about it Feel like you're a moving target Wish all this had never started Cut my hair and then I —- my skin — myself instead of hurting him Feels like it's a nightmare I'm in Say one thing and think another Stay in bed cause' you're not bothered Pray that it will soon be over He told you that he loved you, he'd stay with you Are you a fool? Don't believe what people say, they never stay anyway He kissed me and then stayed the night I can't see that things could work out right Seems as if I'll mess up some way Hold his hand, the world seems all new Understand things when he's near you Now he's gone, it all seems untrue He left her He said he cared That he'd be there When you're scared Don't believe what people say, they never stay anyway (Don't believe what those people say, it's all lies anyway) I don't think they will I just can't sit still Funny kind of ill I don't wanna think about it Showed me that you love But it's not enough I can't ever trust I don't wanna think about it You're there by my side Then I asked you why Could it be you lied? I don't wanna think about it My phone rings but there's no one there (hello?) All my dreams have vanished in thin air Was it real when you said you cared Once you kissed or did you dream it? Bought a gift but he's not seen it How'd you know he didn't mean it? When he's gone it all goes wrong Smashed up your home Now you're alone Don't believe what people say, they never stay anyway I don't think they will I just can't sit still Maybe 'cause I'm ill I don't want to think about it You said it before How can I be sure? How to be assured? I don't wanna think about it You're there by my side Then I asked you why Could it be a lie? I don't wanna think about it All of what you said Goes round in my head When I lie in bed I don't wanna think about it I'm too paranoid You could get annoyed So did other boys I don't wanna think about it Heard it all before Gets to be a bore God my head is sore I don't wanna think about it I mean he never kissed me or anything, it was purely a friendship, and an online one at that, but still I loved him. I thought he loved me, too.
