! WARNING TO OTHER PPL ! This contains a lot of deep hyperspecific details about some heavy topics regarding my upbringing. It's very personal. Make a break for it, if you want to. ~ To Q1nix: Tbh when I try to connect with people, I want to know quickly whether I can feel safe being any parts of myself (if not all of myself) with them. As a trauma survivor, I can be very sensitive to certain triggers that I want to be on the lookout for right off the bat. The unsafe psychological space of my upbringing rendered me hypervigilant of potential warning signs in others (of toxicity as well as victimhood, which kind of explains how I noticed something was happening with a certain family dynamic of yours). I don't want to find out about their red flags or potential areas of toxicity halfway into a relationship and experience that degree of emotional fallout which could seriously impact my regulation as a HSP. So I developed a habit of subtly poking people in certain ways to test their open-mindedness in certain areas that really mattered to me while also assessing them for defensiveness and volatility, and etc. A lot of my analysis when I’m listening to them in that regard isn’t even verbal thoughts, it just occurs to me so fast I don’t hear it, it’s like it’s just there, and it comes so naturally that it’s like I’ve already mastered it (even though I’d never make that assumption - I used that phrase for lack of better words *sob emoji*). It seems like it’s developed into an intrinsic part of my system. But recently I realized how it might come off to people if they were to find out about my “testing” of them (which can in some ways be considered an ethical breach, but it becomes more controversial when you consider my background and neurotype since it’s an act I do for my own survival and self-preservation, and I aim to connect and respect people) without me having informed them of it beforehand. So, literally yesterday I decided I’d try telling people up front now that I might ask a lot of questions - not because I see them as a lab rat I’m using for my own intellectual stimulation, but because I’m looking to see if I can feel safe with them because I genuinely want to connect. This way, it’s not like conducting an experiment without the participant’s consent. I didn’t do that kind of testing with you, by the way. I didn’t feel like it was necessary. You, I clocked pretty much instantly as someone I could probably feel safe with. ~ Bonus info: I act to try to avoid hurting people because I care a lot about them, not necessarily because it's ethical, by the way. Morality and ethics are constructs, albeit very important ones for the functionality of society's justice system. But I find I naturally don't want to cause other people pain because it sucks to suffer, and I don't want that for them. Especially not for it to be because of me.
This is very personal oop Hello to any wanderers who ended up here somehow. ♫ Do you like waffles? ♫ ♫ Yeah, I like waffles! ♫ Fun fact: I first discovered that song playing The Normal Elevator on Roblox when I was like 10-12 or something. Good times. I remember that stage with the three dancing waffles... at least, I /think/ it was three lol
