Apologies are meaningless unless accompanied by action, and not just words. just leave me alone, please. dont even comment on this. the last thing I wanted was for things to end badly.
im not trying to ragebait anyone. ive been trying to keep to myself, but it just feels like she gives me hope temporarily before not even responding.im just trying to explain myself because I personally think you got my pov wrong. even when I try to act nice that's ignored haha if anything I always thought she was the ragebaiter for temporarily making me feel worthy before making me regret ever trying to be a decent person. I mean, we were finally having a decent conversation, before she suddenly ignored me and went all "forgive but can't forget" again. but the blame doesn't entirely go to my end. In the case of a problem, all must take accountability. I have taken mine, I was overboard more than I should've. In order to recompensate myself, I will refrain further contact. And what I considered her recompensation was for her to send me the things she said she would, and - to at least allow me to pretend that the old version of her is still here. but her version of healing has disrupted mine unecessarily. and if you or anyone sees this, stop checking my accounts. I DONT CARE for your response. okay? I just want to be away from you right now. I admit that both of us don't have the will to take care of each other anymore. But for goodness sake, you affirming your opinion will NOT help me. I'm already respecting your way of healing by throwing it all away from both our ends, so stop.. stop making it clear I'm some evil monster when I'm not. i dont want to hear your corrections. I dont want to hear, "you're wrong." I already know this. But I'm hurt, and I don't need anyone constantly throwing it in my face. the way I cope is by writing and letting it out. sadly I can't keep my emotions inside, I'm not like you. If I'm bothered, I will express my concerns outwardly. I am not attacking you. please do not stop me, and head your own way. Please, the last thing I want to hear is further mocking from you, focus on yourself and your health. You're doing fine without me, you have your new friends. that's good for you. but no, to forgive doesnt exactly enforce you to actually GIVE something to someone, but in this case, yes, you said you'd do something for me, but you did not. stop punishing me, the fact that you're gone is already enough punishment. and I've decided to take into account that decision by not attempting further contact. nor am I asking for your emotional reciprocity again. But there are things I must know. And I DID NOT CHOOSE to haunt you - if I could, I wish I could put a magic spell on us both so that we could forget each other, and move on peacefully! But you keep on reminding me of the past and that I've hurt you instead of just coming to an agreement with us listening to each other, and that's why it's frustrating me so badly! I feel like I can't forget due to this, I'm trying-! And our methods are healing, I guess yours is by erasing me, and mine is preservation! That's what I was trying to do anyways to begin with, to subtly ignore you! But the thing is, I still want to see you as the perfect angel I once knew not as the one who neglected my feelings- I don't want to erase the past but you didn't let me keep what I wanted to keep..! I don't know why you could've just let me keep it and you can do whatever you want, delete all the pictures you want! I literally don't care, I encourage you to get over me!!! but I also need the closure that I've been asking for months! it helps the both of us! I'm not even asking you to comfort me, all I want is for you to respect your past offers and allow us to walk away! I just want to get over this as soon as possible instead of crying over some silly online girl who probably doesn't even care for my emotions. I keep on stupidly thinking that things will go back to normal, or that we could at least try to come to a solution together, but it just feels impossible at this point, I've learned my lesson too many times to allow myself to get hurt once more. I will make it to university. I won't let little incidents like these get in the way of my emotions, it simply isn't worth it.
