I would be lying if I said that a panic attack wasn't the scariest thing I've ever experienced. Let's go back a few years, back to when I was 7 or 8. I had severe anxiety. I would have a panic attack over forgetting to give someone stationary back, or even just being told off. Along with this, I had emetophobia (a fear of vomiting). When I was sick I would stress myself out far too much. My head would become light and I would scream and cry, making the nausea worse, thus vomiting, and the vomit would make me feel sick again. It was a vicious cycle. I had therapy. Only one session... but it helped. My anxiety and emetophobia almost completely disappeared. It was gone for years. Fast forward to today. I thought it was gone. I thought I would be OK. But I wasn't. My emetophobia came back, just because my family had a stomach bug. It wasn’t nearly as bad as when I was younger, but I think that was due to the fact that I could ‘handle’ (more like masking) it better. Yesterday, I went to a Lorde concert. Don’t get me wrong, it was bloody awesome. But that was after I had the panic attack. I hadn’t expected the volume to be so loud, the bass so intense, and the lights so bright and flashing. It was only the opening act. I was fine for a few minutes, other than being a bit shocked by the intensity. But then there were the what if’s. My stomach cramped and I felt nauseous. You’ll be fine, I was telling myself. But I wasn’t. My head was light, my breathing was fast, and my whole body was shaking like a leaf. I asked my dad if we could go outside for a bit. I went to go to the bathroom, but I could barely support my weight, I was quivering so much. My stomach was twisting as I went out and I began to cry. I stayed outside until the opening act was over, desperately trying to calm myself down. Then it was the intermission. I sat for around 20 minutes, terrified. Then Lorde came onto the stage, and the crowd was screaming while the lights strobed. I could feel myself spiraling, and I tried box breathing (breath in for 4, hold for 4, breath out for 4, hold for 4, repeat). My fear gradually disappeared as I focused on the concert, and I ended up having a relatively good time. But, almost 24 hours later, I feel a bit of dread thinking of last night. And my school camp is coming up. I’m terrified, barely even getting by without spiraling. I hope I’ll get better. I thought I’d share this with you, so everyone who is like me knows that they aren’t alone. It will get better.
So... yeah. Anxiety. Yay.
