Bugwatcher. Bug. Watcher. They’d gotten their full name. They were a medicine cat now. Like Dama. Bug was excited, for next moon they’d get to tell Abyssalabsence. But they also dreaded the moment. Cloudspire was likely still mad at her. They didn’t know how to talk to Abyssalabsence anymore. Most cats were easy to talk to, because you could just repeat a lot of same notes. Greetings. Pleasantries. Small talk. Attempt humor if cat seems interested. Be interested in what they say. And then you just need to do it again. And again. But Abyssalabsence was a unique situation. It seemed impossible to make them happy. Difficult to learn why. And Bug couldn’t rely on their memories as reference. Not when they were tinged with a frankly overwhelming amount of emotion. She found it tiring. Bugwatcher was probably a fitting name. Bug thought it was anyways. (Has Bug even told Cloudspire yet?) Obviously not. Bug nearly sighs to herself. Of course Bug hadn’t. Conflict is difficult, especially when there’s no explanation. No explanation that Cloudspire would like anyways. Bug had an explanation. She hadn’t wanted to tell Cloudspire, and she didn’t. It was wrong, but Bug had wanted a secret. Wanted to wait. Bug hadn’t been stupid for that. But. Bug could be better. Couldn’t they? Why did they glance away from the rebellion? Bug had had no interest in trying to change things. Not because things were good! Not because Bug liked Aurora-Quartzstar. But because why not? They had wanted to see what would happen next. Within reason of course, but thus far all the damage she had done was fixable. Injuries… demotions… banning rocks. Interference so often ruined a good experiment… But Bug doesn’t mind. She learned something regardless, and in fact, she quite appreciates the effort. It was for the best anyways. Speaking of experiments! Bug has been doing a pretty good job! Results are inconclusive. Bug can say that she/they are fun, good. They like the set quite a bit. She likes matching with her sister. They like the way the words sound in their head. But the lack of certainty annoys Bug. They like being sure about things. These should be better or worse than what Bug had before. Equal is unacceptable. Well. That’s not true. It just means more tests are in order! With all feelings noted down for she/her and they/them, Bug must move to what is next. More this time. Bug is tired of waiting. Bug wants more. Bug has always been a compulsive copycat, and again they put those skills to use now. It/Xey/Fae. Something almost like pride bloomed in its chest. Xey fully intended to make the most of this round of testing. Fae would find the answer. If gender was meant to make one happy, then Bug would find what makes xem happy. Oh fae is so excited! Another round of experimenting, there isn’t a more euphoric feeling! This too would be repeated until perfected. It’s good at repeating. Yes, Bug is sure xey will find the answer. Failure is not an option.
Gender experimentation taken literally. Bug still viewing itself as cis… is anyone gonna tell xem that gender is deeply personal and at times undefinable and that the euphoria fae feels at switching its expression of gender and pronouns might actually not just be because xey like experiments…. Bug will figure it out eventually. Slowly. Also yeah i never actually signed xem up for the rebellion because Bug really did not care at all… Bug’s a good cat… but it is also not /that good/ of cat…