so like basically no one knows this but i am really scared of the dark. this is the second time i have ever admitted this bc i am genuinely so ashamed of it. like I cant get over how much I feel like a coward bc of this but anyways I am scared of the dark. and this isn't about the night or space or whatnot, I actually really love the night sky and all that. I'm talking about like pure darkness. darkness where you cant see, darkness where you start to hallucinate a little bit. a darkness where you cant see what's in that room but there might be something so best not to look. a darkness where you hear a strange noise and cant move to get out of bed because you're terrified that there's someone there. a darkness where there might be something in that corner and you don't want to find out. this darkness is the embodiment of the fear of unknown because you're scared that there could be something hiding in that darkness, just out of sight. yeah. thats the kind of darkness I'm talking about. I don't know how people can stand it. I've heard of friends and family who cant stand even seeing a little bit of light when they sleep, they have to have it utterly blacked out else they'll be awake allll night. I am certainly not one of those people. I have to sleep with a couple night lights on. because I'm terrified that if I turn those lights off there'll be something there that I didn't see before and wont see in the dark. yeah its highly likely i had nyctophobia or achluophobia or whatever when I was little and never grew out of it. I want the door open, the darkest shadows in my room brightened away. the thing is I am scared that there's something in the dark, something I didn't think about in the daytime. I'm scared there might be an intruder in the house or some supernatural force that I don't know about. I understand that this is completely irrational and that I live in a country much safer than others and that my house prolly aint haunted but I'm still scared. I don't know how to not be scared. and here's the thing: sometimes I get too anxious or nervous at night. sometimes I get dizzy or nausous and cant go to bed cuz I cant get these thoughts out of my head. I have had a lot of panic attacks before because of this. the least fun part is this: I start to hallucinate if I get too scared. the thing about the dark is that it can make you hallucinate, especially if you scared yourself silly enough. I mostly get auditory hallucinations where I think i hear someone calling my name or footsteps just downstairs or cat paws on my bedroom floor when there really is nothing. this is terrifying as heck btw. I sometimes also just plain hallucinate which is incredibly creepy/eerie/terrifying/etc too. mostly it's I think I see a lady out of the corner of my eye (horrifying) but sometimes I see things in the dark corners that I hate so much. its awful. I hate being scared of the dark. one time I remember very specifically was like three or more years ago when I wasnt falling asleep and was getting really creeped out by the darkness in my room and understand that my bed is facing away from the door so my head was to the door (which is terrible, i hate having my head to the door it makes me so paranoid). and I heard someone calling my name (it was a woman's voice) right at the head of the bed and that was the clearest I had ever heard my name called like that at night and I had an absolute panic attack. I have had hallucinations like that since but not as clear and not as close as that. the attack staircase is in the hallway outside my bedroom and I hate having it open at night. I'm kinda an insomniac and am awake in the wee hours of the morning usually and I get up a lot to fill my water bottle and I have to pass the attack staircase if it is open at night. the problem with that is that the attic is freaking DARK. like darkness you have never seen before, you look up into it and it is like looking into the void. I hallucinate so bad when I glance up there, you have no idea. it is awful. I see shapes and eyes and faces and I literally cannot STAND that attic being open. anyways. as I've been writing this I keep scaring myself w all these memories and I'm starting to hallucinate the lady in the corner of my eye again </3 imma stop before I cant sleep tonight wow that was a LOT, if you read all that thanks ig lol?? I've been keeping all that in for like years now so thanks for letting me vent guys <333 love y'all don't die
