I dont know why I'm posting this bc I know no one will want to listen to my dum ah rant. you all hate and disagree with me anyway so if you didn't like that than don't read this, I'd not think you wanna go THROUGH the struggles of reading my struggles because then it puts more struggles on you and I genuily do not want that first...like 3 of my closest IRL friends. they came back to me. they told me I was the reason...that they couldn't do it and my real parents then...its was Jade/Lily... and now Claire... I feel like such a failure anymore. I can't ever prevent anything and I'm genuinely so exhausted from all of this hatred in the world. like seriously....All I ever wanted was to have love. And I barely get that coming from a very mixed family. I don't get that from here, I don't get it from like...the 4 IRL friends I actually do have. My whole life I've been called an attention seeker, annoying, unnecessary. and you guys gen dont want the feelings I have. I get you all have struggles too, but the way my mental health has complicated my physical. the way I think. you guys don't have my mind. so you'll never know. and I don't have your mind, so I don't know how you all feel either. I literally don't ever get to have a voice. I say one thing and everyone's bombarding me like "Why would you say that?" or "that was unnecessary" but like guys please stop you have no idea what that's doing to me. I've asked so many times for people to stop. I've tried to do things fun that people would like. I've tried, and tried and tried but whatever I do nothing works and I genuinely feel like I'm such a failure. I've got way to many bruises, scars and thoughts bundled up in my fragile heart. I've got so many things in my mind that I just want to say but if I keep bundling it up im going to keep exploding and I'm gonna keep doing the thing I hate doing. I'm gonna lose you all. I already feel like so many people hate me becuase of the things I've done, and like, I cant stop. I try and I just cant. Ive tried genuily everything to put myself out top people but it ends up just like it did irl. that's why I so closed up. why I have so many walls. I used to have so many friends. then they left me, started rumors about me, started to beat me up, and like It gave me trauma. Im not lying guys. you don't have to believe me, no one ever does anyway. but seriously. my mind and heart forces me away from people after what happened. I don't talk to people anymore because I'm so scared that it will happen again. I genuinely cant go through that trauma again. and everything I'm saying here right now....I've tried to tell people before. but do you want to know what happened? They made fun of me also. Called me an "attention seeker" they called me "annoying" everyone kept telling me to shut my mouth/shut up and so I listen to them. I keep my mouth shut so I don't say something i'll take back. I get I may be wrong but like....that's all I hear. so many people disagree and then I get attacked and I cant take it anymore. I just can't wear this fake smile on my face knowing I'm not ok. I don't want people to see this as begging for attention or help because genuinely I have done so much to try to help myself. I have tried talking to people, I try to take all of the advice my therapist gave me, I've tried,d I've tried I've tried so hard but whatever I do nothing works. it wont matter if I do go anyway because I know that no one actually does care and if you could, you all have at least one bad thing you can say about me. seriously.... don't waste your time trying to help someone you don't care about
