Why is it that the moment I'm finally beginning to let go, she always finds some way to get my hopes up and leave me in the end? I hate it. I dreamt about her last night again, I dreamt that she explained everything, that she was remorseful, that she took action instead of sitting around and letting the pain get worse. I hate that I still want the old version of her back. I could never love her for who she is now, I wouldn't have talked to her if she was this apathetic person from the start. And I know it's wrong, you're supposed to love a person through and through regardless of whether they change, but I was fighting so hard, so goddamn hard, just to have the old her back. and she left!!!!! and turned into this disgusting person who ignores my feelings. it's always about her xDDD god. why did she change? stupid. I just wish she'd at least reserve a fragment of the person she was before, for me. I thought I was special to her but I guess I'm just like the rest.. but what was I expecting? haha :) not even worthy of that. im unworthy. I want love I crave it so bad but I really just have to earn it and keep my emotions on mute every time I'm able to move on, there's always the disgusting weight of her watching me and laughing at how easily she was able to discard me and cut me off obviously this is my bias, but what the hell, she's such a coward for not even communicating with me about it XDDDDDD cowardcowardcoward I hate how people can cut others so easily and still pretend to be innocent and the good person, what the hell? When, and if, I find someone, I'll be sure to marry them so that they couldn't block me like that ever again. There will be complications, I'll make it hard for them, I'll make it so mindbreakingly difficult for them to let go like she did me. I'll make their family resent them for ever trying to leave me, I'll make their life a living hell, I'll make them cry every day and miss me and want me back but I'll always say no :)) Not that I'd ever want to be with an avoidant coward to begin with, lol. but i, too, am also too much of a coward to actually cut someone off, regardless if they're an abuser, lol. I wish I could do that but I didnt even have a backbone when I tried to assert boundaries and FAILED because I thought she really cared but she cut me off XDDD im such a loser haha. i cant say no. id probably take them back in because im so weak and starved I dont know why. I doubt that's what's going on but that's always what I imagine, I think I got kinda mad at the end. the more I write the more mad and emotional I get. wish I could shut up but I also have this intense pent up anger within me I hate the fact I'm saying this while I have a girlfriend. not that "she" was my girlfriend but people always tend to assume that she is from the way I talked about her, that's why I call her my "ex," although I never actually felt that way about her lol. not that she is. never doing online dating ever, didn't even had those feelings towards "her" I like 4d people not 2d anime people lol I hate the fact that it still hurts, even if it wasn't her intention. God, I wish I never met her, I wish she never found my profile, she ruined my mentalhealth so badobadsoabdadoabd i wouldve been much happier and nto this anxious garbage if i twerent for he r I was never worrying about my friends and them leaving me before I met her hahahahaha ims o patheithc I hate it, I hate the way she makes me feel. I hate that I still feel the same way. I hate that I get so terrified when she...
