I’ve known I’m queer since I was 10. I’ve never been able to properly express what I feel until recently after constantly trying and failing to understand and create romantic feelings for people. I’ve forced five crushes. Got into a relationship once. I never really understood that I didn’t, and couldn’t, fall in love with someone. I kept thinking this was a failure on my part. Something I could heal from. It’s taken a long time to admit to myself that it’s okay to not feel the same way most people do. Even in queer spaces. I can’t lie to myself and say that I’ve actually fallen for anyone. It’s not who I am. It’s not who I was. It’s not who I will be. I’ve accepted for a long time now that I’m asexual. Realizing I’m aromantic is a completely different thing that I oftentimes pushed aside. I constantly thought love was a thing I desired and to an extent, such is true. I want to be cared for. I want someone to worry about me or miss me. I want somebody to hold close if I’m scared or need someone to be near me in public so I don’t feel exposed. But I don’t desire romantic love. I like people and appreciate them and affection they bring. But I’ve never really felt romantic love. I’ve just been fake-it-till-you-make-iting for years. I always knew I was missing something. I just never guessed it was the whole picture and not a couple details.
oh god i’m at it again. yapping after midnight eases my mind but destroys my sleep schedule
