My dear readers, if you take nothing else from this cautionary tale, please remember: talking chickens make terrible Protagonists. There are many rumors on what, exactly, happened to the bestselling series A Magic Dark and Terrible. The reality is quite a bit stranger; I felt compelled, however, to set things straight. It’s not my fault at all, it’s Lucretia’s. And those idiot wizards. And those nefarious little inferior characters. And Ben, what a menace. I would like to state right now that I was always completely, absolutely loyal to the Author except when I wasn’t, which was a lot less often than the other characters. So there. This is the story of what really happened to Book 13 of A Magic Dark and Terrible: Verily Thou Hast Vengeance. And contrary to the expectations I so cleverly set up in the opening paragraph (it’s a hook, readers, do you know what that is? It draws you into the narrative, and I’m so glad I finally got to tell you that. The Author never lets me explain anything, which is no fun at all), it does not, in fact, begin with the afore-mentioned talking chicken. It begins with our true Protagonist, who has just thrown in the towel. (Actually, the sword, to be exact.) ◈◈◈ “I SHAN’T DO IT,” Lucretia the Beautiful, Brave and Bold declared, throwing her sword at the ground. (See? I told you.) Around her, the battle drew to a halt, staring. “My… my lady? We’re in the middle of a fight scene,” a footsoldier gently prompted her, looking around nervously. “BBBBRP,” Harold said, windmilling his arms in the air. “WRONG. Rule number 24279 of the Good Fictional Character’s Handbook and Guidelines: Characters are never to reveal awareness that they are in a work of fiction while in the middle of a battle scene.” (That’s Harold for you. He has an accent, although nobody can tell what exactly it’s supposed to be, as it changes every five minutes — and he likes to eat beans with mayonnaise, sandwiched between half-cooked pancakes.) “That’s rule 24297, you big goof,” the Wise Old Wizard muttered. “Anyway, you also aren’t supposed to quote the GFCHG in the middle of a battle scene. Rule 58940. Lucretia, do shut up and get on with it.” “I shan’t,” Lucretia said, even more firmly. “I am sick and tired of this nonsense. Twelve! Twelve books! Of two thousand pages apiece! What Protagonist in their right minds, I ask you, would suffer it? And this isn’t even the end! My soul is being squeezed out of me. The things I’ve gone through… the horrors… Do you know how many times I’ve lain almost dead, only to be conveniently revived for plot devices? Do you know how many love interests I’ve had to go through? Do you know how many times I’ve had to stab someone in a ball gown while wearing boots underneath my dress because I’m a baddie? Too many, I tell you! I won’t do it any longer.” (I know how many love interests she’s gone through! I can answer that question! It’s thirteen. Well, twelve and a half… Poor Marvin. May he rest in pieces.) The footsoldier pinched the bridge of his nose. “Not this again,” he moaned. “Lulu, stop whining and pick up your sword,” the Wise Old Wizard remonstrated. Lucretia stamped her foot, glaring at her mentor. “Won’t. I hate that old thing. And I’m quitting for good this time.” Before anyone could stop her she turned and ran headlong into the enemy ranks, who quickly resumed the fight, assuming things were to progress as usual. “Oh dear,” the Wise Old Wizard sighed as he spotted Lucretia throwing rocks at the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord promptly spun and proceeded to stab her through the middle. Then he stopped, frowning. “Huh,” he said. “Jerry, was that part of the scene?” Lucretia gracefully slid off his blade and landed in a crumpled heap. (And this, you see, is where it all went wrong. This is the All is Lost. Except, wait, that’s supposed to come later, isn’t it? This is the… um… Catalyst. Or possibly Break Into 2. I always get them mixed up, but so does the Author.) “Oh dear,” Harold agreed, looking rather green, as the troops milled around, uncertain what they were supposed to be doing now, and whether the battle scene was still going. Like it or not, Lucretia the Beautiful, Bold and Brave had, as she’d been threatening to do since book 8, quit for good.
