Hey, I'm back. Not something I really want. I mean, I want to be back home, that I'm glad for, but I can't sleep again. Or maybe I won't sleep. There's a difference that I hate, but if I were to guess, I think I won't sleep. I'm sick of dreams. Why do I have to dream so often and remember it? I was better off not remembering. I don't know. I'm still falling. I mean, I've already hit the water, I've already half-drowned, but that doesn't stop the lake from eating at my body. I'm not exactly falling necessarily, more like sinking, and it's still killing me. I'm not hungry, but I have to eat, if I don't, I'll starve. I'm not thirsty, but that's because I haven't drunk water since I got home, if I drink now, I'll be thirsty for more. I really should have some water, but I don't notice when I leave my water bottle at home. I'm stuck though, I won't get up, that I know, because I don't know if my parents are asleep. You have to be 21 to drink in the US. I find that law pretty fair, but I don't understand it. Why 21? I know, but why 21? Because your brain is more grown? Sure, it might be, but it's not fully grown, that doesn't happen until around 25, at least on average. Or maybe I remember that wrong, it was from third grade after all. In China, I'm not quite sure how old you have to be, but adults start giving their kids beers around my age. They taste awful and bitter, but I like the bubbles. If I think about it, it's kind of like my life, awful and bitter, but there are bubbles. Those bubbles are people. People who care, or at least seem to care. People who make my day brighter with one glance, one small smile. And the people who go out of their way to hurt me, I still care about them, they should know that, it only gets me down on days I feel almost happy. They dim my day a slight, enough to make me feel as if they don't care, but I think they do, even if it's just to hurt me. Maybe they don't mean to hurt me, I don't wish to hurt them, I wish they would know that. The thing with me is that I hurt people when I'm mad. I mean to, I mean to make them feel awful, not exactly on purpose, but more subconsciously. I do it without thinking about it, just that I want them to suffer. So disengage, it'll throw me, I should be thrown. Pretend you don't care, or don't pretend, just don't care. Don't care about me. Sometimes it's easier to be alone, that way, no one can hurt you. I break my heart as much as others do. My heart is too fragile. It's made of glass that looks like stone, it makes people think it's made of stone. I have one friend, we used to be close, but she's moved on. She used to tell me everything about her life, good and bad, every emotion, every detail. I liked it well enough, I didn't mind listening to her vent, but she expected me to share about my life as well. I couldn't do that, I didn't know how, there were feelings I couldn't tell her about, like how I liked someone and couldn't because they were too bright a person. Too bright, too friendly, too excitable, but absolutely the cutest. I told myself to stop loving them, but I couldn't, I broke my own heart. Never told them, never will, too late. If they ever liked me, they don't anymore. I know that the people I like will never like me back. There's no hope. I've given up on love, it's teared me to pieces many nights in a row. It's made me cry until I can't breathe. It's made me worry until I felt sick, and all I could do was lie in bed as sobs racked my body. I've given up on love, it's got me nowhere but here in my room, not asleep. I've given up on those butterflies in your stomach, just a waste of time. I've given up on love, it's drowned me thrice over. It's choked me into silence, It's lost me best friends, though we never were best friends. I have one now, or as least that's what she said, I don't know if she really thought so, I never know with her. I want to believe her, that we are best friends, or at least were, she said she thought we were best friends. I don't know if she meant in the past or still in the present, was she joking or telling the truth? I wish to know, but I probably will never know. I've given up on romantic love, it's still killing me. I've given up on romantic love, but if I live to be older, maybe I can try again.
I wrote this in February, but idk, felt like adding it
