" if starclan would come back someday . . . I promise I would change my ways. " ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- > myrtle is in a difficult part in her life !! she is healing from her purity obsession and trying to get in touch with religion again. however, it is not going to be easy. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- there were rules. there were always rules. you did not question starclan. you did not misinterpret a sign. you did not hesitate when a life was in your paws, because hesitation meant doubt, and doubt meant you were unworthy of the ancestors who guided you. who helped you. who saved you. myrtlepaw never hesitated to believe in them. even when her chest ached so sharply she thought something inside her might split open. even when she couldn’t hear anything at all. they’re always speaking. you just have to be worthy enough to hear them. but she was never worthy enough. myrtlepaw pressed closer to the cold stone, eyes squeezed shut. she tried. she tried so hard. not the wind. the trees. not the ancestors she had been taught would cradle her if she just.. listened. her ears rang with the effort. "that’s because you’re not listening correctly, myrtlepaw." starclan was speaking to her. oh. oh. myrtlepaw nodded quickly, relief flooding her in the shape of blame. I'll try again. because if it was her fault...if it was something she could fix...then it was still safe. everything still made sense. she started practicing when no one was watching. listening. listening. her thoughts blurred at the edges and her head throbbed with it. sometimes she thought she heard something. but when she reached for it, it vanished. like she had imagined it. she had lied. myrtlepaw would jolt upright, heart racing. lying was worse than doubt. the first time a cat died under her care, she knew it was punishment. she had done everything right. every herb measured. every treatment precise. perfect. the cat still slipped away. myrtlepaw sat there long after their breathing stopped, staring at her own paws. they were clean. she had made sure of that. just… absence. “you missed something.” starclan. speaking. loudly in her ears, rupturing her thoughts. “i’m sorry,” she whispered to the body, to the air, to the stars. “i’m sorryi’m sorryi’m sorry,” if she said it enough, maybe it would reach them. maybe they would understand that she had tried. that she was still trying. that she would always try. and in the quiet they weren’t there. myrtlepaw clamped her mouth shut, eyes wide. the ancestors might recoil from the sound of it. tears blurred her vision, hot and sudden. she turned her head sharply, pressing her face into the moss to muffle the sound. medicine cats didn’t beg. medicine cats knew. if I do everything right… why won’t they answer me? and worse what does that say about me? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- interested in more self roleplays / learning more about myrtlepaw? check out her studio!
