Counting

Instructions

COUNTING I count my heartbeats I think about d y i n g To have my heart stop beating To lie here Not me anymore Just the vessel That carried my empty soul One Two Three I count my heartbeats I feel the surge of b l o o d Traveling out to the rest of my body I think about d y i n g And what it'll feel like Not being conscious for evermore A long needed rest After a tiring day I might be disappointed If there's a heaven I'd be conscious And I wouldn't want to be Four Five Six I count my heartbeats I feel my stomach rise up and down My lungs expanding I think about d y i n g To have my chest stop falling and rising To be still I'd be disappointed If there's an underworld I don't want to meet Hades And Cerberus I mean That'd be pretty cool But I want to float Without bonds Without knowing Without thinking Without being Seven Eight Nine I count my heartbeats I feel the soft bed beneath me I think about what I'd lie in When I d i e The hard Stiff Bottom of a coffin? Ashes In an urn That no one would care about? I don't know Maybe I could choose my afterlife That'd be pretty neat I could float in and out of reality Maybe live a campaign For a while I have one I could use Ten Eleven Twelve I count my heartbeats Twelve I don't know what twelve feels like I think about d y i n g I don't think I'm afraid of it anymore I think d y i n g's the easy part I think being about to d i e will be The hardest part Knowing I won't exist And I will be lost to time Scares me Thirteen Fourteen Fifteen I count my heartbeats This is getting old Isn't it? But I think about my life Everything I have Everything I don't My friends My family The books that sit upon my shelf Gathering dust I haven't read In a long time I mostly write now Sixteen Seventeen Eighteen I count my heartbeats Don't worry You won't have to read this for much longer I lie here and I think That it helps How it makes me feel when you talk to me It makes me happy It makes me feel less alone Knowing you're there I just feel so tired So tired It's not that I want to d i e I don't know what it is And I'm tired of not knowing anything Nineteen Twenty Twenty-one I count my heartbeats Old enough to drink I don't think you don't care But you've placed doubt in my mind I have absolutely no idea what you're thinking And that frustrates me I want to know Though you say no to letting me But I like having you there Having you here It makes me feel less alone I don't know what you want What do you want? Twenty-two Twenty-three Twenty-four Twenty-five I count my heartbeats I did four this time Because it ticks me off to end not on a five or zero I like knowing you're here Do you like knowing I'm here? Or would you like me to leave? I ask you How're you? What can I do? I want to help Please tell me How're you?