Is it my fault? A Sagesolace srp

Instructions

. ݁₊ ⊹ Is it all my fault? I want to go back to when I could look past that, accepting it as My reality, but I can’t And I think I might be stuck this way. My body isn’t bending how it should. Leaving me to sink deeper into the ocean Of my faith, slowly receding downwards Filling my lungs and throat with water. My tentacles are useless for swimming, All I can do is let the current pull my body deeper. See-through skin punctured by the Weight of hypocrisy disguised as love. . ݁₊ ⊹ Sagesolace padded with heavy laden paws into a large clearing at the heart of MossClan territory. Or was it even their territory anymore? She tried to hide her somber pawsteps in the thick choking dried leaves of leaf-fall, drowning out his silent mutterings to himself in the crackling underfoot. Coming up to a small stream, she clambered up the rocky banks to sit on the edge and peer into the foamy rushing water. He dipped a paw in. The water curled around his paw like a cat trying to embrace him in a hug, but he knew it was something more sinister. It wanted to carry her away into the distance until he became the distance, just a speck in the night sky like so many, no, too many, before her. "I will not let you take me" he mewed harshly, and whipped his paw out of the water. But it relented. Tiny white pebbles dotted the ochre colored riverbed, and Sage counted them, one by one. One. pinekit Two. Rosekit Three. Vanillavenom. More? Pinekit was someone she never thought she could save. How could he have? He was there one moment, and hanging from the dripping jaws of that stars cursed lynx the next. The lynx with white and brown spotted paws and a short tail, and piercing brown eyes. Just like her. She looked like that. Was Sage that lynx? Would Sage be that lynx next? She couldn't help but feel some sort of bitter contempt towards his brother. She wanted to become a medic to find Pinekit in the afterlife, but pine had never come. Never come for her. "You left me! You... you forsook me. You left me alone". He took the little pebble, and, rolling it between his paws, threw it back into the river. Watching it splash with a satisfying plop. Rosekit. A sister he never truly met. Why should she feel guilt for an incident she could not control? Perhaps she wasn't even real, just a fabricated formation of his brain, something shoved into the cracks of his reality. Something created by the inky clouded memories of kithood. But there was something about the scent of roses and the sight of dusty brown fur that ignited some backwards portion of his self, ignited the distant memories of mewling alone in the forest, but she was with them. And then she wasn't. "My fault, my fault." the pebble cracked under the pressure of Sage's grasp. There must have been some reason Soulshade had told her that Rosekit was with him in the end. His claws, his teeth, his /sister/. "Was that me? did I do that?" She lifted a claw up to his face, the bone tinted points were blunt now, but they hadn't been. "It couldn't have been me, I would... I would never" ..She tightly grasped the pebble, before dropping it carefully into the stream. Vanilliavenom. This one was definitely his fault. His herbs, his paws, his eyes. She had come to her for healing, and he had tried his best and failed. Should have left it to the older medics. Should have not been so.. selfish. He laughed a bit, but it was thick and it was choking and didn't feel right. Why couldn't he laugh? why? Was he being punished by Starclan? Her gaze returned to the river, the dark blue water peppered with tiny pebbles reminded her of them. "Are you all there now? will I go there? Did I deserve this? Is this my fault?" the water did not respond, and in a small fit of anger Sagesolace threw the third pebble across the stream, watching it skip. There were still more pebbles. Sage twirled three in between his paws. Songbirdpaw. Charadecharm. Blisspaw. Would they be next? MossClan was shrinking, three kits and 62 cats had died recently. the clan was starving. "I can't hunt. I can't fight. I can't fix this." she twirled her blunt claws in front of her face. Charadecharm was gone, he was gone on some fox brained expedition with UrchinClan cats of any possible, and Sagesolace was not going. She could not protect Charade. "What could I even do anyways? I am useless. No claws to fight, and I can't even heal." Look what he had done to Vanillavemon. She was dead and it was his fault. All his friends and all his family could be next and she could do nothing in all of StarClan to help them. She bent down, using careful paws to scoop the three pebbles out of the grass and placed them into his fur. "I'll keep you safe. I promise." He tilted his head back to fill his mind with the stars. "You." he lifted a claw, hackles raising. "If anything happens to them. I am done with you." He had no obligation towards Starclan anymore. "You have forsaken me."