" CLINGY " ------------------------------------------------------------------------- I thought I knew what clingy meant I use the word all of the time It’s a simple word used to describe Someone who needs to stay by another’s side I knew I could be considered clingy, Codependent, needy, or overly attached But I never could have expected How tightly I would latch We only ever spoke through a screen We never even truly met Aching guilt keeps me from sleep Tossing and turning with regret It’s over now, I know it is It’s far too late to go back But I still wonder what could have been If I hadn’t gone down this path It’s been weeks since we stopped talking, No, months, no, an entire year I wish I hadn’t shut you out But I was drowning in my fear I wonder if you think of me I think of you more than I’d like to admit I wish that I had never left I wish I had never quit Now clingy has a new meaning Well, at least it does for me Now it describes my anxious grasp The suffocating fear that you might leave I was so scared of you leaving, So truly and deeply terrified That instead of you leaving me I was the one to say ‘goodbye’ -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Written by me / @noahreall ------------------------------------------------------------------------- (TW for talking about mental health issues & paranoia) Plus, a rant about things that happened in 2025 that some people might remember / my story and explanation for why i sort of left everyone ↓ ------------------------------------------------------------------------- for so long i tried to blame everyone else for what happened, telling myself everyone left me, they never cared about me, they used me, etc. but about six months ago i finally realized that the truth is it was entirely my fault, all of it. if i hadn't let myself be blinded by my fear and paranoia there are so many things that could have been prevented. the truth is, and it took me a long time to realize what had happened, about a year ago i experienced a psychotic break/episode. if you want to know what triggered it feel free to ask and i am comfortable explaining, but for now i'll just say that i was already under relatively extreme stress for a long time, and when my mom told me something terrifying (which she exaggerated, whether she did that on purpose to scare me or if it was an honest mistake i do not know.) it scared me so badly that i started to experience extreme paranoia. my brain twisted what my mom told me, which was already scary in itself, into something much worse than it was in reality. i was fully convinced that something horrible was going to happen to me and my family, and that it was completely and entirely my fault. i kept this a secret because i was so ashamed of "what i had done", and i didn't want anyone to know that people would "get hurt because of me". unfortunately, me keeping this a secret also kept me from getting any form of help. at this point in time nobody knows about this except for my older brother and i guess anyone who decides to read all this lol. i started seeing everyone and everything as a threat, a danger to me and my family, i thought everybody was out to get me and hurt me and use me, or even help the "big enemy" find me, so i distanced myself from everyone. in this state i thought i was being completely rational, even though many of these people had only ever tried to help and support me, i was scared and destroyed everything that brought me joy, because i thought i was a horrible person and i didn't deserve happiness anyway. obviously doing this did not help me in any way, and when the episode finally ended (i think it took about a month but i'm not sure since i was under so much stress my brain erased a lot and my timeline is definitely screwed up), it was already too late. i had already destroyed everything, and i think i tried to repair it a few times, but it never really worked. which was my fault too. i now have to live with the fact i destroyed my own life and relationships, and i think the regret and guilt will haunt me for a very long time, but i take that as a punishment for my many mistakes, and i really hope it won't happen again. but realistically, with my (and my families) history of mental health issues, it is possible that it will happen again, and that terrifies me because i won't have any idea until it is far too late. i have been inactive on here for a long time and i don't think i'm at all "relevant" anymore, and if the people i knew have forgotten me and moved on, i don't blame them, i hope they have all found happiness and peace and wonderful and supportive friends. i guess i just wanted to get this out of my system, even though i'm pretty sure i'm sharing this far too late. sorry this is incredibly long lol, if you did read all of this, i am happily surprised and very thankful.
