dont quite know what to feel anymore. found out a lot recently. one of my siblings (who has been one of my biggest supports thus far, even if we have our differences), recently told me that at one point they had a conversation with a family member. it is unclear as to when this was, other than that it was after certain traumas started to make a presence in my life. in that passing conversation, apparently this family member minimized the trauma i told them. depending at the time, this trauma was either incredibly harrowing school trouble, somewhat existential crisis, and or, as some of you may know, my incorrect use of scissors. they said something along the lines of "dishes arent trauma" or how ive "gone through much less than im making it seem." which,,ok. damn. same person who tells me i can talk to them about anything. cool now thats already offensive. but whats the most harrowing is that my sibling doesnt remember when this conversation took place. if,, if it happened when not a lot of things started going on then while still upsetting, i can get over it. but the concept of even potentially having a family member confidently tell someone (when im not around, mind you) that me wanting to die, and using scissors because its the only thing that wont get me caught, is on the same level as "oh no i have to do a round of dishes"? thats whats haunting me. i dont know if it happened before or after i shared that specific trauma. but at the same time i dont really care if it happened or not. why would a member of my family do that. if they even did? i dont know. but any chance of ever talking to them about anything that isnt surface level is gone. not like they had much of a chance to begin with. oh and.. that existential crisis i was talking about. thats harrowing as well. im slowly recalling memories that were hurtful, both mentally and physically. that i supressed simply because i thought it was normal. to be raised that way. i thought it was normal that i got a panic attack because of a small accident, even though i knew i did everything i could to prevent it. i thought it was normal that whenever i did something wrong i never got the chance to explain myself. always cut off and yelled at instead. i htought it was normal to have a family member randomly acting cheery and fun after yelling at me. i thought it was normal to have my first thought when they knock on my door to have my only thoughts to be "please get out" and "dont yell again". realizing as i see other people talking and laughing and feeling nervous about something as minimal as a presentation or test around their family without feeling a subconsious sense of self blame and terror or that theyll get screamed at if the occasion was bad enough.. thats whats supposed to be normal. my experience on most occasions, if not all of them, not normal. not at all. but for the longest time, even though i was hurt and angry and sad, i just kept it down because i thought that was how everybody was raised. i was just being a baby nothing else to it. thats what i always told myself. in some cases thats what others told me. but as ive recently been integrating myself more into a public community, with other people my age who have family thats good to them, i realize my childhood wasnt normal. i feel.. cheated almost. cheated out of feeling like i can talk to my family. cheated out of feeling confident in my own skin. cheated out of feeling like i have everything together. im getting better at putting up a mask. im getting better at pretending everything is fine. laughing when something doesnt amuse me. pretending to be passionate about something i dont care about. pretending to be sad when i dont give a damn. im getting better at gaslighting myself. ive nearly given up. i dont want to feel anymore because clearly that hasnt got me anything. the only thing i will let the little energy i have left to feel go to is vents. or talking to friends,, i do enjoy that still. even if im upset its no excuse to let someone else be hurt when theres a chance i can help them. so if i respond to a vent, or i talk to someone... its genuine. i promise.
