Well I didnt think of posting this here but I alreay deleted it once on my main today so I'll just keep this here um what do I say? Im sure all of you already know about my ex friend who bullied me for not letting hi. read my diary and because I have read their's before. Um so I didnt realise this sooner but that person was already toxic before our fight like if I asked him for a favour he would be like jump off this building,propose to your crush and all and if I asked him why he did that he'd say"What's in it for me?" . And yesterday I just remembered this one thing he did a few months ago First I'll tell you about why this was bad briefly , so basically in Hindu culture women who are married wear two bindis unlike single girls who wear only one at the middle of their forehead, married women wear another one at the top of their forehead right where their hair starts. So once we were sitting next to eachother and then he broke his red pen while trying to do some sort of art and I dont remember why but then he suddenly started playing like I will put this on your forehead(this was offensive because normally the lady's husband is the first person to put her bindi/sindoor at the top of her forehead) and I was like stop dont do it then I felt his broken pen touch my head and I started to freak out because I was like WHY DID YOU DO THIS ?!?!?! I swear that it made me feel bad in the gut but luckily it didnt show like I mean the ink didnt come on my skin(for those who dont know sindoor is normally red ) ,and remembering this moment just made me feel sick in the gut even my parents dont know this or my bestie (I forgot to tell her and I didnt want to tell my parents). And the thing is I feel sick thinking that I was vulnerable to him from the start. He also used to talk bad abiut me and say things whcih would make me feel uncomfortable and also act like all fl#rty with my bestie and me and literally had no respect for personal boundaries sometimes but the worst part is he used all the stuff we did against us. Another thing he said I read his journel without his permission once in his presence tbh I dont remember what happened that day but it also makes me feel sick because now I feel like I was in the wrong but all I am asking is ,did he really have to bully me that much (I wanted to d that day I was so depressed I didnt even talk and I felt like I would d of tirdness anyways ) idk really and now he started getting hate from the girls cause he started badmouthing another girl for not lending him a pen catrige while she lended it to our friend (ITS HER CHOICE) and the 3 of us gave him the same treatment and talked about him then HE SHOWED MY FRIEND THE FINGER , and the thing is I did that to him too but my friend didnt do anything ,she only joined with us because he was torturing the other girl(she was the person who the girl lent the catrige to) She felt so bad . Anyways I made this project to vent another prob but vented another one lol. tbh after everything I feel like I grew distant from everyone and dont really set in well nowadays since my older friends also left . I still have great friends but still I just feel distant now. Anyways tysm for reading .
Actually I would be lying if I said I still want to d#e and dont at the same time because at this point thinking about things is so tiring I think I'm not worthy of living and Idk I feel empty whenever I think about it .
