transitioning | ch. 57

Instructions

tristan pov text below!! Emerson gently nudges me forward. “Talk,” she says. “You got this.” I don’t got this. Absolutely not. But Em just pats my shoulder and gives Kaden and me a small smile and then leaves to our usual recess spot, leaving us to drown in awkward silence. Neither of us could bring ourselves to speak for several grueling minutes. Kaden speaks up first. “Did you mean it?” He asks. I look up at him, confused. He looks upset as he takes a deep breath. He’s not looking at me. “In the bathroom the other day. When you—” “Don’t say it!” I yell, louder than I mean to. Kaden flinches. “Why?” He asks. “Why’d you do it if you can’t even stand to hear it said out loud?’ Kaden presses. He sounds angry. Oh god. What have I done???? I scramble to find the words, desperately digging through piles of incoherent thoughts for a reasonable explanation. My heart pounds loudly in my throat and ears. How can I tell him it’s because I like him? And that if that fact is real then it would ruin everything? Kaden lets out a frustrated breath. “Tristan, I’m tired of this– just talk to me!” he cries. “Why won’t you just talk to me??” I feel sick to my stomach. There’s so much I want to tell him. But if I told him, he’d hate me, and then I’d lose him forever and everything would be ruined. Kaden’s touching my hand suddenly. “Tristan, please,” he begs. My voice isn’t working. He runs his fingers through his hair, exhaling shakily. “I’m just gonna go if you won’t say anything, okay? I’m trying to give you time, but…” He shakes his head. “See you at lunch or something. Let me know when you’re ready to talk.” And then I’m watching helplessly as he leaves, going back to Quinn and Emerson. My legs start to wobble, and I drop to a crouch before I fall over, grasping the grass below me to ground myself– no, that was not meant to be a pun. I’m not in the mood. I take slow, shaky breaths for a few minutes, trying to stay calm. He’s mad at me. He hates me– I know it. God– why do I always have to ruin everything??? I’m so stupid. So, so, so, so, so, so-- “Tristan?” Emerson’s voice asks. She puts an unwelcome hand on my shoulder. I shake her hand off. “Don’t touch me,” is all I say, because that’s what I want, but Emerson backs up cautiously like I just said I hate her. “Tristan, did you guys…?” She starts. “He hates me…” I tell her. “He’s mad at me and he hates me and–” Emerson sits down on the grass in front of me. “Did you two fight or something? Kaden’s a mess back at the table and you’re–” She touches my cheek. “...crying…” I reach to feel my own face. Sure enough, there’s tears rolling down my face. I hadn’t realized. “I don’t know..” I mumble. “He was talking to me, a-and I couldn’t say anything.. He seemed so… mad… d-do you think he’s mad? Do you think he hates me??” I look up at Emerson with pleading eyes. She sighs. “Tristan, you two just need to /talk/. You wouldn’t be so worried about this if you’d talked things out– I know it.” My chest tightens. “You didn’t answer my question..” Emerson places a hand on my knee. “How much sleep did you get last night?” She asks. I frown. “What does that have to do with /anything/ right now?” I groan. She shakes her head. “You’re really emotional and jumping to conclusions– you seem exhausted, Tristan. I don’t think Kaden hates you. I think he just wants to /communicate/. He wants to know what’s going on with you.” I bury my head in my hands. Guess he won’t be getting that for a while….