a dream is making me depressed again man so like basically I was at school in the cafeteria line for some reason even though I bring my own lunch but uh this girl came up to me and said something like “yo when are we gonna hang out” so like I got the idea yknow that dream feeling where you’re like “oh yeah I’ve promised this girl I was gonna hang out with her and her friends” or something like that. but clearly I was going to avoid hanging out with her as much as possible because I don’t know this girl and she seems older than me so like maybe she wants to use me or some crap like that I don’t remember how I responded but we did end going out to somewhere I don’t remember the setting but we were like waiting in line or something just us two and she like hugs me and buries her head in my shoulder and half of me is like “oh dear me this is a possesive relationship the classic ichance” but the other is like “why does this feel so damn good” because it felt REALLY dam good to have someones head on my shoulder and like god I can remember the feeling so well it just felt so comforting and so warm and like, at the time I thought it was just a dream about me being afraid of being taken advantage of for my rather doormat attitude but like later I was thinking about it and like yknow how in dreams there are lkke random timeskips they don’t tell you about or like the people in the dream act like time has passed or you’ve gotten closer with them or smth? well like what if that was what was happening and like I don’t even know what I’m explaining anymore but now like, I really wish I had someone in my life who truly understood and loved me but that can never happen because I’m too goddam scared of people and being vulnerable is something I could never do. I’d give anything to have someone spawn in who perfectly understands me and would stand with their head on my shoulder because really I want to have a relationship but I could never talk to someone in that way and no one understands. don’t just say “just go and talk to them its that easy” because no its not that easy, I can’t just talk to someone like that without digging my fingernails into my hands for my awkwardness and its not like I’m lonely because I love being by myself, theres no one to judge me. I always do projects by myself. but the really crappy thing is I’d love to just have someone in my life who’d just sit with me without talking. but there’s no one in the world like that. I know I’ve coined myself as aromantic in the past but really I do want a relationship the only problem is me. and like, even just doing duo projects with someone like, they always lead and always ask me “does this seem right” and if its wrong they don’t listen to me anyways, their always like “no that doesn’t seem right” but it is right and I know that but no one understands me. some people seem to think I’m stupid or something just because I’m so awkward. I was getting paint during art class today and I was waiting for the paint to come out of the bottle cus it was being slow and my classmate who was waiting for the same color was like “yo, can I help you get that out” and he like took the bottle and violently dumped a ton into my paint box and it made me feel really sad but also so dumb like why could I have just done that instead of just sticking with the peaceful solution its so strange though like I can remember the dream girl’s vibes but like not her face like I remember she had like light brown medium long hair and she was like the same height as me. she had like this air of confidence and like i dunno man ughhhhhhhhh so I guess I’ll just use the same outlet I always have, writing dumb stories in my head that never get put on paper so no one can read them except for me so no one truly gets my pain. honestly what a dumb dream man making me question everything. its one of those you never forget yknow. like the one I had where the guy stabbed the kid and then I pulled a lightsaber but it didn’t rlly wanna go into his chest it just made like this weird rubber sound idk man so yeah uh thats it thank you so much if you read the whole thing <33 means so much I have a lot more to rant about like my mom and qwelver and my nonsensical anxiety so uh yeah stay tuned :thumbs up:
