transitioning | ch. 60 (pt. 1)

Instructions

tristan pov CW mentions of abuse, description of panic attacks text below I’m going to die. Kaden won’t even look at me after that interaction– or lack thereof…– on Friday. He’s mad– furious, even. I know it. Because I’m a freaking idiot who can’t do anything right. Talking to my crush? Just another thing I’m a complete failure at. To make matters worse, he’s talking to Emerson and Quinn and specifically /not/ to me, It makes me feel like trash. Even worse than /that/, he stopped making me lunch. Yeah. And so I’m miserable everyday because one of my only friends who also happens to be my crush hates me and I have to eat the stupid cafeteria pepperoni pizza every single day and my parents hate me and the world hates me and– “...Tristan Shea!” A voice yells, yanking me out of my thoughts. I resist the urge to cover my ears, blinking and assessing my surroundings. Right. I’m in Algebra. AKA Hell. “Answer number four, please,” Mr. Morrison commands. I glance down at my notebook. It’s blank. Equal parts fortunately and unfortunately, Kaden sits next to me in this class. I look at him with eyes pleading for help. He turns his book away from me, looking to the other side of the classroom. What the hell did I expect, anyway? “Tristan. Shea. At least look at me when I’m speaking to you!” The teacher yells. A scene of Mom shouting the same thing flashes through my head. I try not to flinch. I can’t look at him. “That’s it– I’m tired of you ignoring me. It’s extremely disrespectful. This warrants detention for at least the rest of the week. Go to the front office.” God, no. Oh no. Please no. If my mom has to pick me up from school she’s going to– “Not even getting detention will make you respond and stop being disrespectful? Get the hell out of my classroom.” I couldn’t get up if I wanted to. It’s like I’m locked into place. “Now!!” My hands clamp over my ears and my eyes squeeze shut and my body braces for some sort of impact. I don’t want to know how many people are staring at me right now. I hear more yelling, but I’m too afraid to look up. In my head, Mom’s quickly approaching, hand raised. Is it in my head, though? I feel a bang on my desk. I can’t breathe. I can’t move. My face feels wet. When did I start crying? I press my arms tighter over my head and ears. Please no, please no, please no. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. I can't tell if it's in my head or not this time. I feel someone touching my shoulder, but I shake the hand away. Someone’s going to hurt me. I’m scared. Hands on me again. Scared. Scared. Don’t touch me. Up. Up. Why am I standing? I can’t look. Too scared. Arm around my back. Being pulled along. Stop. Touching. Me. Walking– stumbling. Legs aren’t working. Can’t open my eyes. Not yet. Not until I know it’s safe. Walking. Walking. Walking. Someone’s sitting me down now. I can hear voices. Don’t know what they’re saying. Cold on my face– Ow. Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold– Cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooold. So cold. Ow. It hurts a little. Cold. Still cold. It moves. On my arm this time. Cooooold. Cccccccccccccccccoooooooooooooooooolllllllllllllllldddddddddddd. Oh. I can breathe now. Kind of. A little bit. Ice. It’s cold. On my arm. Ice pack, actually. I can see it, now. Hand pressing it to my arm– Where am I? What was I doing? Still cold. It’s on my palm now. My vision is clearing. Is that Kaden’s hand? Am I asleep? Cold. Voices again. “Tristan, can you hear me?” Oh. Yep. I can hear again. Who’s calling me? I nod. “Can you hold something for me?” What? The ice is in my hands now– Ice pack. That’s cold. My hands feel wet. And cold. Okay… I’m holding it… My hands are shaking. “Do you know where you are?” God, what’s with all the questions? I shake my head. Can’t really see more than a foot away from me.. Too blurry. It smells familiar here, though. “You’re in the nurse’s office,” the voice tells me. “The nurse.” Oh. That makes sense. It smells clean in here. Cold. My heartbeat is so loud. part 2 because the text was too long to fit lmao: