THE DAILY BYTE — FEATURE INTERVIEW “I Eat Beans Because They Scream”: An Exclusive Conversation With BeansAteBeans In the stranger corners of the internet, one occasionally encounters a personality so unusual that it demands documentation. This week, The Daily Byte sat down with the enigmatic online figure known only as BeansAteBeans, whose username is not metaphorical, but rather a disturbingly literal mission statement. The interview was conducted by community member BoredBits, whose curiosity proved both fearless and, arguably, ill‑advised. A Culinary Philosophy of Questionable Morality When asked the obvious opening question, whether he consumes himself or others, BeansAteBeans responded with unsettling confidence. “If I said the second that would be cannibalism, which I still do, so the second one.” This set the tone for what would become one of the most ethically confusing interviews in recent memory. BoredBits pressed further, asking about the experience of the sentient beans themselves. Do they feel pain? Do they understand their fate? “They feel pain, but not if I knock them out first,” BeansAteBeans explained. “Then I take them to a special place to eat them. They scream as I eat them. I feel no guilt.” He added that the leftover bean juice is used as broth, as it “catches their tasty essence better.” Motivation, Method, and Metabolism Attempting to understand the psychology behind this behavior, BoredBits asked whether the practice was driven by trauma, addiction, or profit. “I like eating them. There is no addiction,” BeansAteBeans said. “I eat any bean I see on the street or store. They all taste good, except green beans.” The aversion to green beans, it turns out, stems from a childhood betrayal. “A bean friend told me a green bean grants mystical power. I ate it. It did nothing. Besides making me love beans so much I eat them now.” As for the mechanics of digestion, the explanation was simple: “I’m just a bean. Once I eat a bean, they evaporate inside my stomach.” On Playing With Food and Verifying Authenticity When asked whether he “plays” with his food, BeansAteBeans admitted to occasional experimentation. “Sometimes I play with my food for good purpose. I need to see if they’re legit. Otherwise I throw it out.” The criteria for legitimacy remain unclear. The Mystery of the Sentient Bean Community The interview concluded with BoredBits asking about the broader society of sentient beans, friends, acquaintances, or perhaps former meals. BeansAteBeans’ answer, however, remains pending, leaving readers to wonder about the social ecosystem from which these edible companions emerge. A Final Thought The conversation raises many questions. ethical, metaphysical, and gastrointestinal. none of which have satisfying answers. But one thing is certain: The internet remains undefeated in its ability to produce characters who defy all known categories of existence. Read it for yourself : (Newspaper art )
