48 Hours to Get to Know a Person (Part 9)

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(TW: normal stuff plus a bit more tr4^m4) Chapter 15: Kai Things that break my heart: ~Poor hurt stray animals ~Sad movies ~Good but depressing songs ~People crying Saturday, Oct 7th, 9:01pm Is there any feeling worse than helplessness? If so, I don't know it. Watching someone you care about break, and there's nothing you can do about it? Practically my nightmare. Before my parents split up, I used to feel like that a lot. Mom would randomly start crying in the car on the way to school, Dad would sit, staring at the blank tv, deep in thought watching something that wasn't there. I hate to talk about myself. Especially about things like that. I think it got to a point where I began to feel insignificant. Even in my own home. Unimportant. Because they were busy. And because nothing I could ever say would make the fighting stop. Back then it tore me up inside. Lying in bed at night, the walls too thin to block out the yelling from the room beside mine. Now? I'd learned to accept it. Things got better after the divorce. But I still tend to keep a low profile. Out of habit I flinch when someone raises their voice. Try to walk carefully so as not to shatter the glass that isn't there. I've taught myself a way of living. Of survival. And sometimes it's hard to remember it shouldn't have to be like that. But more than anything, as I hold June close, feeling the sobs that shake her body? I wish I could help. I wish I could take her pain. Or at least give her peace. But I don't know how. So I just sit there. And wait. And hope I'm doing the right sort of thing. After a few minutes June quiets down, nothing but an occasional hiccup breaking the silence between us two. And then June starts to talk. Softly at first, like she's unsure what exactly she should say. "Back when I was a freshman...there was this guy. In my English class. Penten. Penten Hayzes. He would sit by me and joke around, or partner with me for projects. We had fun. But then all the teasing seemed to shift to fl1rt4tion, and one day he asked me out." June's eyes dart down, like she's ashamed of what she has to say. "I said yes, and one thing after another, we were d4ting. For one week it was perfect. And then..." June shakes her head, tracing the edge of a book in her hands. "It wasn't. Suddenly everything about me wasn't good enough for him. He hated how I wore my hair or what clothes I wore. He thought I needed to workout or lose weight. And I-" Her voice breaks and I reach for her hands, taking them in mine. "June..." I say quietly, though I'm unsure how to finish it. Suddenly so many things are making sense. She shakes her head. "No. I need to do this. I did everything he asked. I wore flashier clothes and ate less and ditched the glasses. I stopped studying so often and went out more. Every word, every command, every part of myself I buried for him-I thought it would be worth it. I thought he was right. How could anyone like the quiet, simple dressed nerd girl? And the way he said things...twisted them into sounding like compliments, or well meant suggestions...I fell for it all hook, line and sinker. And I thought it would make a difference. Thought it would make him stay. But, nope. It would only take a week or so for news to break out that Penten Hayzes had ktssed so and so after history. And then he'd be back. And suddenly it was my fault and if only I did *this* particular thing maybe it wouldn't happen again. But I was stupid to believe that. Cause it always did. One day I finally got up the courage to tell him it was over, and...he said some things. Things I don't think I'll ever forget." June glances up at the ceiling, taking a deep breath. "One last splinter into my heart before he left. But he'd built these habits for me, I'd walked these grooved paths for so long I didn't know how to get out. I started dressing 'boring' again. Let my bangs grow out. Everything I did-everything I do now feels like I'm doing it to hide. To be pretty enough, but not so pretty that anyone will notice. Study all the time, so I don't have to think about all that. Snap at good people cause I'm afraid-" She squeezes her eyes shut. "Of ever getting caught in that again. Ever caring for someone to the point that I'm nothing but their puppet. I'm constantly walking that line of who he made me be, who my parents need me to be, and what I want to be. But I don't even know that last one anymore. And maybe I never did." I stare at the girl in front of me when she finishes, feeling my hands shake. With anger. Who on Earth would ever do that to her? Who would do that to *anyone*? Treat someone like their play toy, sculpting them into your perfect person. It's sick. But all of the sudden so much is making sense. I remember June and Penten. I remember them walking down the hall hand in hand and whispering to one another during class. I remember thinking it was funny that she would wear certain colors because before she'd only ever wear pastels or other light ones.