please can i have a friend who doesn't leave? or isn't disappointed me? or i get jealous of? i can't take this anymore. i look at one person and assume they're judging me. my guards are up because people are so scary and unpredictable that they have to be. i don't even want to be liked by everyone. i just want to be tolerated. but i know that people hate me without giving me a chance. act cold towards me. and when i have a friend, they have it so much better off than me and i feel awkward and say the wrong things. i don't deserve friends. i wish people would give me a chance, then i wouldn't be so afraid of them. i am tired of the black and white mentality but it's the only thing that protects me. months ago up until now, two people bullied me by deadnaming me loudly in front of a load of people. if i'd reported them the first time they did it, everything would've been better. i didn't, because i was paralysed with anxiety. everytime i tried to stand up for myself, the people bullying me made me feel like i was in the wrong, and being the one being horrible to them. and since then i've been hated. absolutely despised by so many people who didn't mind me before. why?? why the hell? i did nothing wrong, did i? i know i can't control other people's feelings but that makes me feel worse, even if my therapist and counsellor both told me about it. i just want my parents to deregister me from school. it would be so much more simple. and i deny so much support i could get because i feel bad people are making too much of a fuss of me. i wish i wasn't me.
