Instructions: Do not use, steal, trace, etc. Songs: -Liquid Smooth (Lumatone) by Deister Orchestra -She's Dead by MarIhcaz Click/any keys for the process, as well as a few other things I drew ^v^ Hair rendering is pain Hello!! I've briefly returned from the mini period of inactivity :D Since the school year is ending, I figured it'd be nice to write about my experiences - like a diary! I know that this will not be viewed by many, and that is alright; perhaps even better as I wouldn't want to be pried on by the public eye. I am thankful for my dear friends who do comment on whatever I post (really, thank you, it's you who motivates me to continue remaining active on this children's site!) so that's what I don't mind. Most importantly, I'm writing this for myself to look back on in the future, I still feel guilty about having been inactive in 2023-2025, as I don't remember a lot of that period in life. I wish I could write more in my journal. I used to write a lot when I was little. After Covid, it was primarily digital fictional writing. But as of now, I rarely write at all. Or text my friends, for that matter. I think, since high school began for me, I've been distancing myself from my friends. It was horrible the beginning of this school year. I wasn't the best in the head this beginning year, maybe it was obvious from what I was posting..? but I've been trying to come out of that shell once again. It's remarkably difficult because I lack the motivation to continue on... well, I'm getting ahead of myself with this negative sentiment. Kinda crazy that I'll be going to uni in only so little time! I've climbed up the steps - bumbling elementary years, isolated middle school years, and now I only have so little to go. Wow... Anyway, big things that happened this year: -At the time I'm writing this, May 22, most of the seniors of my school are gone. My good friend, who I usually hang out with, left cuz he was soooo done with school TOT I'm happy for him, but I really do miss him. He was super fun to hang out with :( -Now I have just my sophomore friend who sits next to me, but, well, she is more of a popular kid so it's difficult for me to connect with her, I kind of have to compete for her attention basically. Which is why I avoid being close with popular kids, I have to try not to be socially awkward 100% FAIL -Speaking of friends, I made quite a few of them, especially at clubs! The sad part is, most of my close friends are from last year and most of them have moved away by now. I didn't make that many NEW friends sadly, especially in my classes (most of them I meet on the bus, at lunch, etc...), but I'm thankful for who I have now! -Mistaken for a sophomore multiple times, even today. My two senior friends were shocked when I brought up that I was a junior today. apparently I look around 1-2 years younger than my age. It happened in 8th grade as well, I was mistaken for a 6th grader... -Developing my music taste. During the beginning of high school, I mostly liked emo bands, phonk, obscure French pop, and vocaloid... Now, I've been getting into more vintage type songs :D -Songs I'm obsessed with rn: "Light My Fire" by The Doors, "Innermost...", "Ism", and "Crimson Star" by Kozi, "Laughing on the Outside" by Bernadette Carroll, "Breaking the girl" by Red Hot Chili Peppers -L tier math teacher. Now, it may be biased due to my prejudiced hatred for math, but my Algebra 2 teacher was absolutely condescending to me. I don't want to put too many details out here cuz it's embarrassing lol, but basically: he was a very charming and polite teacher, he even remembered my name and would shake all the student's hands before entering the class which made me feel welcomed in the class. also did you know I am very touch deprived, so i felt super happy when a man smiled at me and held my hand?? I reaaallyyy liked him. but he ended up being extremely insensitive to my teaching style; he expected me to learn the material myself and at HIS pace, even though it wasn't even an honours class - this was his first time teaching a regular class, instead of his usual honours or pre-calculus class. So, he was very difficult on us -Yeah so anyway I sometimes felt like he had kinda fake/"robotic" vibes, but I shrugged it off cuz he was such a nice teacher! A few people I knew agreed that he was an amazing teacher too, so it was confirmed he was an angel! -Hahaha no. i left his class and im an idiot i genuinely crash out whenever I see him in the hall -I'm slowly beginning to struggle in English. I can't even focus at all anymore. Can't even sit down to get my homework done, write the essays he asks us to. I hate it. I miss being able to focus. Not that I could focus well at all last year either, but it's been significantly worse since the beginning of this year -Can't even read anymore - cuz there is the MUSIC I have to pick and then I suddenly get so engrossed in picking a song and then OOOOh all those shiny YT vids...
Notes and Credits: -Been going to more clubs this year :) We even had a pizza party!! -AP classes are genuinely scary. How do some people have like 6 AP classes? Even the two that I had were a pain... -Met two icky guys this year?? Idk don't wanna say a lot about it, but both of them aren't evil - more so unaware of what they're doing and how it bothers me. both of them just don't seem to leave me alone, one makes uncomfortable jokes about me and the other can't seem to understand a no -Wouldn't say it's a crush exactly - I don't really like the thought of saying I like a girl cuz it feels wrong, I SPECIFICALLY LIKE BOY MALE MEN, I'm more passive towards women, but I'd tear up seeing her beautiful face sometimes, and sometimes I'd think about her and how she was doing, whether she was okay or crying then. I wanted to get to know her, the real her, her hopes and dreams. She was so open and forgiving and I think, someone so huggable and warm is exactly the type I feel most comfortable around. It's weird cuz I find mature boys more attractive than little girls, but unfortunately little huggable girls continue following me around and then I feel bad for not liking them back. -But enough of that, point is, that sense of admiration has been replaced by...I don't know?? I don't really feel anything for her now anymore, maybe even irritation. She's such an overthinker... She'd always vent to us (me and the senior guy who I mentioned before) about her relationships and how she felt super anxious by the prospect of them leaving her. Which, I completely understand! I struggle with abandonment anxiety as well. But she clearly does more than me, which gets tiring to keep up with. I have to generate the words in my head to comfort her and she won't even listen... -Sadly, I know quite a few people who struggle with simply NOT worrying about the other for ONE SECOND, and... ngl, I find it extremely irritating. I feel like I have to comfort these people against my own will. "I'm sorry!" Yeah dude, it's okay. You did literally nothing wrong. "I'm sooo so sorry..." It's fine, I promise it's not your fault. "How could I do something like that, please forgive me!!" I have to therapy these people while they cry, which is genuinely upsetting. honestly comforting people too much just makes me more annoyed, like their apologies are useless, even if they don't mean to. i mean if you're sorry, actually try to change?? Otherwise just cry to someone else. she is convinced she is a bad person (she isn't, she's amazing and I don't know how or why she's talking to me) and sometimes I have to debate with her about it -One thing she apologised multiple times about was her forgetting to give me her birthday card for me, telling me to remind her to give me the card. I did, although I guess I should have done so more than once. She still didn't remember, it's almost as if my birthday wasn't even worth remembering -I've noticed when I try to comfort her or start a conversation with her, she ignores me. I think secretly she doesn't really care for what I have to say. Last summer she was venting to me about something. I told her that I had experienced similar (unfortunate incident few years back), everything would be okay. But instead of reacting the way I hoped - her feeing better about the situation - she just comforted me instead of actually replying to my advice, which felt nice but I wanted her to actually listen to me so she could feel better. -my bday was a few months ago. Really the only actual gifts I got were pretty oc art from a few friends (shoutout to W and D, love you guys xp <3) as well as a few shirts from my brother... which, I actually just got last Saturday. He was gonna send me a shirt from an anime but it got lost in mail, really sad... ;-; but besides that, I didn't get anything. My mom did treat us to a dinner at Cracker Barrel though, which was super cool!! But she didn't even tell me that the money she used to spend on the meal could've been used for my own entertainment. For her, the dinner itself was a gift... which, I am undeniably grateful for, but I wish she could've told me so that I could've just asked her to cook her regular food for us and I could've bought like, a shirt or shoes or something, heck maybe even a video game! I've been really wanting to play Cineris Somnia, Dark Souls, Bloodborne, or Lies of P ^_^ But when I asked her about a gift, she said that the dinner itself was the gift. I was silently disappointed, but accepted this because I didn't want to trouble her. I'm not entitled to any gifts, of course. I guess I just hoped it would've been better than last year, since I didn't get a lot then either -tried to do internship. no one wants me. accomplished absolutely NOTHING. hahahaha. rant over guys Also, I apologize for not responding to anyone’s texts. It’s just exams and all, I usually respond during my study hall but I’ve been working on other things then too.. I’ll reply later dw!
