J*bs: They're a total joke if you're an early 20s adult with love dysfunctions. When you’re out of work, eventually you’ll get to the point where you’ll take pretty much anything to hold you over (McDonald's recommended) until you can find the j*b you actually want. I’d hit that point a few days back: with rent to be paid and that nasty habit of wanting to fart on a regular basis, the decision had been made and this morning found me hitting the pavement (British for sidewalk), shirt ironed, head hairs neatly combed, and all traces of stupidity NOT securely locked away. Over the last day or two I had canvassed the local mall in its entirety, along with pretty much every halfway decent Montgomary Ward and Walmart I’d run across, and as I flipped through the list of Cold-Callers from Toontown I’d brought along I couldn’t help but think that if I didn’t get a bite soon I might have to resort to Working at Pizza Places. I couldn’t help but shudder a little at the possibility as I fished around in the back seat of the car until I found where my MINNEsoda had walked itself off to; it might be easier for furs with a less refined sense of smell, but every time I actually drag my furry vulpine tail further inside of a burger place (IS THIS THE KRUSTY KRAB?) than the drive-through window the stink of Zarathor's pee and Black Licorice was enough to make me feel like I was about to retch. Yes, making me feel the need to vomit is something I look for in a Comet… This was shaping up to be a good afternoon; I ran like Forrest as I quickly jetted through the street where your mom's house was. It was seasonably hot out, and even with the car’s A/C on as cold as it would go I still felt like I was having Disco Fever. I wanted to be cruising on a freeway, not at home trying to build freeways myself on Roblox. That, however, wasn’t in the cards. Which did make it pretty easy to convince myself that since I’d been so diligent with my job hunting I deserved to take a break and go to the Pinewood HQ down the street. By now they had probably gotten some of those new anti-lag meters in… That possibility improved my mood considerably, and my tail had already begun to twitch happily in the confines of my seat as I put the car back in gear and went to pull out of the lot. I almost made it too when I noticed one of the GameStops actually had a ‘No Fun Allowed’ sign on the door. I almost, almost kept on driving, but it really didn’t make sense to come all the way back later, so instead of happily going on my way I grudgingly pulled into a parking space. What had been a closed-down Dollar Tree last time I’d been by (admittedly quite a while ago) was now a "Granadawares" store. “Well, warehouse work is Mover work…” I sighed aloud. And on the funny side it was only fifty five minutes from my apartment. Checking my head hairs in the rearview mirror I straightened up my shirt collar and tried to look like Rick Astley to make a good first impression on yet another busy and disinterested stereotypical boss. I’ve never minded working, but there really isn’t anything I find more onerous than actually having to go about finding a j*b. Getting completely dressed up just to drive around town and hand random strangers sheets of paper only to be told to ‘apply online’ seems to be inferior to just doing that in the first place, but on the off chance you’ve not had to play that game before let me assure you: if they’ve actually seen your tail in their store before you’ve got a big jump on applicants that they can’t put a muzzle to a name with. Walking through the doors the first word to spring to mind was ‘cheerful’. I mean, at the base of it the place was the typical ‘open industrial’ sort of building any sort of retail establishment uses, but that was pretty much where the similarity ended. The paint scheme was pastels, with even the ceiling done up in a checkerboard pattern to match the floor tiles. The various departments were painted in different soothing hues, and even the fronts of the shelving units were stenciled with patterns one would normally see on nursery wall borders. I couldn’t help but wonder if all cubs’ stores were like this, or if the local general manager was just a wee bit out of their mind. The female behind the cash register was (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE).
There didn’t tend to be many Drakes or Eminems in our area, since they usually preferred a warmer climate, so I hadn’t actually had a chance to meet many before, but I always thought that as a whole they were an epic kind of rapper, so I’ll admit I was a bit taken aback…the fact they were also a good bit bigger than a lot of other rappers helped either. “I was hoping to put in a j*b application…” I requested, blinking off my surprise and carrying on “Is there someone on shift I can speak with?” “Of course.” She nodded cheerfully “But you should know up front that we’re a (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE), not our main line of business.” “I’m looking for pretty much anything to fill in until I find a paraillegal j*b, I’ll take anything y’all have open at this point…bills to pay and that sort of thing.” (stereotype of adulthood) I sighed. This wasn’t going how I had hoped… “Now don’t get cranky.” The (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) chided “We usually need evaluators; it takes all kinds…” “I’m not really the (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) type.” I shrugged “Between having a short attention span and being easily distracted I have trouble taking care of myself sometimes, let alone a person who's diagnosed with 55 other disorders plus ADHD…” “That’s okay; we need that kind as well!” The (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) laughed, looking me over appraisingly “We don’t usually hire from the outside much, but sometimes an ignorant opinion can be a big help too.” Her desk phone decided that it would be a good time to interrupt, and after a brief conversation I found myself deposited in an adjoining room to wait to speak with their hiring director. Like the rest of the building I’d seen so far the waiting room was comfortably furnished with a sofa and several armchairs, all in the requisite pastel color scheme. In the center of the room a low table covered in (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE). All of which turned out to be a good thing as it quickly became apparent that whoever it was I was waiting to talk to must have been at lunch or something. After sitting around for a while staring at the walls I’d gotten more than a little bit bored, so I think I can be excused for having found myself drawn to the large pile of (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) stacked on the coffee table. It had been years since the last time I’d played with the Rescue Helicopter from Lego City, and they had been some of my favorites while I was growing up. Besides, I’d know when somebody finally got here; the door would give me a heads-up on that front. After a bit of initial hesitation I was soon deeply engrossed in trying to make a realistic (though far more colorful) model of my apartment. So much so that I barely had time to scramble back to the sofa when the doorknob finally turned. Years of (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) in the school bathrooms finally proved their worth: I was innocently seated again by the time a (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) than I would have anticipated had let himself in and after quick introductions launched into the usual generic interview questions I’d become so depressingly familiar with by now. A good forty-five minutes beyond that I was getting bored enough to be eyeballing the Lego City sets again when the (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) announced that “As long as you’re okay with having to stay at our (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) during your assignments I think you’ll work out nicely.” “That shouldn’t be a problem.” I agreed “I live by myself and I don’t have any (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) to take care of or anything like that…” “Okay then. What we usually do is get your (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) set up with (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE), and they take care of them out of your (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE). We prefer that our testers not have to worry about that sort of thing. Then the rest of your (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) will be direct deposited wherever you like. We’ll get you to fill out our (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE), and then just bring your (BOBBLE, INSERT SOMETHING HERE) by our main campus either later today or tomorrow morning and we’ll get you started.”
