posted on my alt ok TWs (What I think are triggers): Blood, vomit, hallucinations, separation/divorce, gore (No imagery obviously) hey guys whats up ok lets get to the point I'm not gonna make this a super serious thing because I don't like being very stern bout stuff! but if you say something like I'm not taking anything seriously and I don't care then shut the hell up you don't understand I'll also be kind of straightforward with some stuff, and its going to sound a bit farfetched but I'm not lying. First, a general summary if you don't wanna read everything: **I have been struggling with impulsive thoughts to torture myself and eat my body, and I have been extremely paranoid this past month. It wasn't quite noticeable on this site because I usually act cheerful, because I'm not the one to talk about my problems. I have had hallucinations, whether they're real or I think they are. I've imagined voices telling me to delete my account on multiple occasions, but this Monday or Tuesday (I think), I was told that I would die if I didn't remove my projects. I know it's stupid, but it got to me and I freaked out, leading to the mass unsharing of my projects. I believe my situation/problems stemmed from my exposure to violent content, gore, and the divorce of my parents when I was younger.** ABOUT MY WEIRD PROJECTS: On this account, my alt, I posted things with slightly disturbing content on projects like "the chicken nugget dance" and "happy popcorn". These were meant to be ways for me to cope and feel safe. Most of the unidentified and distorted figures in the projects were replicas of my hallucinations. Somehow I felt that if I was able to show I was aware of the situation and made comedic projects, it would show I'm not scared and hopefully tone down the severity of my hallucinations. It managed to work sometimes, it made me feel more lighthearted. However, I wasn't used to venting at all. I didn't really like doing it, so I didn't really consider how weird these projects were. For a little while, I felt a little disgusting for posting them. EATING STUFF: I believe I have an eating disorder called pica, where you consistently consume non-food items. This has ranged from paper, to nails, to soap, and skin. This is probably one factor for my autocannibalism. I've spoken about it in the last project on my old account, but I deleted it out of shame. I also have a bit of an insecurity due to constantly being called fat, obese, stenchy/smelly, and lazy, and a bunch of other stuff. As for my parent's divorce that happened when I was younger, it gave me a lot of separation anxiety, and now that my dad and stepmom may divorce too, I've gotten very upset this past week, and at the chance of losing half my siblings again. I really miss my mom. Soon enough, I stumbled upon a few YouTube videos. They had blood and gore. At first, I was a bit uncomfortable, but then I kept watching. Then it developed into an addiction. I thought of gore, drew gore, wrote about gore... And too this day I still do. Unfortunately for me, this started a chain of nightmares (present day) that featured my family getting brutally tortured, maimed, and killed. These nightmares still go on, which is a reason why I don't like sleeping. I have a fear of sleeping. Fortunately, if I stay awake long enough, sometimes I don't dream at all. Now, onto more present day stuff: THE WEEK IN GENERAL: I posted a few vent/comfort projects to make me feel safer, but they were not very suitable, so I removed them out of fear and shame. I distanced myself from the SSC for a bit and refused to talk to anyone for a little while. Last night, I went downstairs, grabbed an apple and tomato, and started aggressively cutting them in an improper, messy way. I took several pictures, and it was midnight, so it was dark. I kept hearing noises and thought someone was watching me. I was on the verge of a panic attack before impulsively grabbing a random water bottle that someone had almost finished, put a couple drops of soap in it, and drank it. Then I tried to sleep. Couldn't sleep. So I thought of more gore instead. I contemplated if I should quit. I contemplated if I should just cut off my entire finger, but I only sliced the tip. I also have fantasies about being tortured and maimed, such as getting my skin melted off, legs cut off, or teeth pulled out. I HAVE TOLD SOMEONE: Back around January, I told people on Scratch. I even told my parents. I explained the entire situation to my parents, even outright saying I wanted to cut off my limbs and such. They were pretty supportive and told me that we'll work it out, but then implied I was just being impulsive, maybe even a liar. I've also been in excruciating pain this past week bro like EVERYTHING HURT on tuesday, I felt like my legs were broken yesterday, and today my eyes burn like hell I also fainted yesterday but I was fine So yeah. Maybe I'll ask for a therapist soon. That's it for now, bye
george1dollar
