Just read this... v v v First off, BIG credit to @HiddenCitygirl for her project- I've been a struggling artist for longer than I've had F.E.A.R. problems. Of course, this means things go a little deeper for me. On the surface, I've always compared myself to others and questioned my own abilities, afraid if I ever showed my true colors, others would criticize or dismiss whatever I made. Especially when I say I actually loved using generative AI like Arta not long after I first started. Deeper beneath, I've let the lies of the enemy seep into me, always doubting myself, feeling like I always had a reason to be afraid of just being me, jealous of others, even angry at myself. Who I knew I was, who God made me to be, has been lost upon me for quite a while. I got so caught up in my head, watching my thought spirals, I really did start going kinda crazy some days. I've even started questioning if I'm just melodramatizing everything. Like, by this point, am I just making things up? Are my struggles even real? Guys. Lemme tell ya. Over the past month or so, I've been watching God fight my battles, keeping me steady when I didn't know how to feel about anything anymore. He's always been my strength to keep going, and I know that I know that I know- He has never left me or forsaken me, and He never will. He has declared VICTORY and FREEDOM over me. More than one time now. Now I know for SURE I'm not crazy. Yesterday, Sunday, He declared COURAGE and BOLDNESS over me (bless the older gentleman He gave that word to). God told me I no longer have to fear what I've been afraid of. If you know me, courage has never been my strong suit, even after my "comeback" project. Now that's getting flipped UPSIDE DOWN. This is where things BREAK! Why should I F.E.A.R. anymore, what do I have to be afraid of when God Himself is on my side? Especially when He has declared victory, healing, freedom, and now courage and boldness over me? He has reminded me over and over that who I am in Him, who He says I am, is certainly no accident or mistake. He's even helping me understand again that who He made me to be is a beautiful thing. My F.E.A.R. has been a liar, a tyrant, a thief and a bully in my life. I've let it absolutely DICTATE me. Ever wonder why my comeback took so long? Like, "It has to be at THIS point. Oh no, that's not gonna work out if you're still struggling... maybe THIS date so it'll be "official"- or not at all! You know you don't have the guts anyway, right?" ..Aaand that's why I have far more faith and trust in God's timing, not my own. This time, nothing is forced like my comeback project. Now I know I'm not staging anything- this is reality. I choose to believe what God has declared over me- to get out there and start giving myself a little grace for not being perfect. To be who He's made me to be and even start being creative again.
(continued) Once again, big shoutout to @HiddenCitygirl; that project was a push for me. Regarding the generative AI thing, wow. Not only have I seen things get crazier and crazier, but I'm realizing more and more how lazy and dependent on it I've become. When Copilot and Creart became a thing, I began using AI the way it was meant to be used- as a tool, not a replacement, mainly for references and feedback. Now this is what I've turned to because somewhere along the way, I about gave up on myself and stopped trying. I'm now seeing in full what CALAMITY has come out of this now. As it stands, I have 2,228 AI-generated image screenshots in my gallery... to give you an idea, that is roughly a SIXTH of all my screenshots from over the years. On my TABLET. I have yet to see the rest of the damage on my laptop from my Bing Chat days, but thank the Lord it's nowhere near as many images. I now have 26 chats on Copilot to go through- I got rid of two already. But that's gonna be even worse- I put my heart, soul, bl00d, sweat, and tears into (almost..) every plotline I thought would finally be worth it, all of which I thought for once in my life wouldn't be another failure. They're ALL Copilot chats. And the worst part? How? How did I not see this sooner? I already know AI downright steals from others more than I thought. In a way, I let AI take from ME. I have literally been letting my God-given gifts go to waste by feeding my potential into soulless algorithms with no will but what was coded into them to do by the collective behind them that I borderline no longer trust anymore! This is it. It's time. I've been putting this off far too long. I don't care if I don't feel like doing it after being rock-steady on deciding- my actions will lead and my feelings have to follow. And if F.E.A.R. tags along, I'm ready to PUSH! It doesn't matter how hard it is, this is gonna hurt PLENTY. The damage is done, but I'm ready to see how much I can save from what I've done, especially with Copilot. Or, if anything, what's left- I have heck to pay. Literally. There's one chat I haven't dared to touch even with my mouse since last year... I'm not even going to hint at what went down. That chat lies between me and the Lord. All I know is I'm ready to delete what I'm ready to let go. And for this one, I'm listening to the still, small Voice that's telling me, "Don't look back." I also have a confession: yeah, I'm still gonna use Copilot every now and then, mainly along the lines of sci-fi since I'd need some help with the "sci" behind the "fi"- I'm nearly done with my chemistry course, but I'm obviously not a rocket scientist. And let's face it, it wouldn't matter even if I looked it up because Google Gemini doesn't have a disable setting. I may even start using Copilot for feedback again, but that's not gonna be for a while. This is where I take back what's mine, even my self-control. Which I will darn well have far more of than when I first started.
