Okay first things first im not leaving or going on hiatus ;w; just wanted to get that out of the way lol So uh. I recently found out Im demiromantic/demisxxual and omniromantic. “But blackout you’ve literally said several times that you don't support the lgbtq+ community???????” Yes Ik I sound like a stupid idiotic hypocrite T-T I was looking at a queer dictionary cuz I didn’t know most lgbtq terms and I just wanted to inform myself, but I happened upon the term “demiromantic” and while I was reading the definition, I was like “……isn’t that how everyone experiences love….?” Apparently NOT T^T Just for those beans who don’t know what demiromantic/demisxxual means, it’s pretty much when someone requires a strong emotional connection to feel romantic/sxxual attraction. It falls somewhere underneath the aroace umbrella :p For omniromantic, it means Im romantically attracted to all genders, but typically have a preference. So Im like semi-gay TvT help Something I’ve never told like anyone before was that I had a crush on a girl once ;-; which was weird cuz I had known her for ike 3-4 years and WHY WAS I NOW FEELING ATTRACTED TO HER. I genuinely hated myself for feeling that way towards someone of the same sxx. And I hate myself for being demiromantic. Weird thing that I’ve literally never noticed before I knew what demiromanticism was: it always took me several months to years to develop a crush on someone. my first real crush? I knew him for over a year before I got feelings for him. I didn't have another crush or even thought anybody was remotely attractive for two years. after two years.... we started out as nice friends, and then after several months, maybe a year idk, I got sorta feelings for him. he asked me if I had a crush on him and I said "yea but we're more friends :p" I asked him if he had a crush on me, and he said pretty much the same thing. after a few months tho I started to have like actual feelings for him. just imagine how people typically act with their crush, and that's how I acted with him. I never really thought he was "cute" tho lol, I just liked his smile and loved his personality. loved his personality <3333 I cant emphasize that enough something that really irritated me a few times: my crush has a really likable personality and is nice to everyone and smiles real nice and stuff; so one time I was at my friend's house, and we were talking about something Idk cant remember, but she and her cousin brought up my crush. they're like "omg I think he likes me he smiled at me a lot uwu" and it ticked me off so much cuz he does that to everyone T-T I made everything awkward after saying that he told me that he liked me. another time (yes ik im sorry about the stories ;-;) I was at Sunday school in church, and there was a new girl visiting. she sat next to me :p my crush was also at church that day so she noticed him obv. after class she said "that guy over there! he's so cute I think i like him he kept smiling at me!! :D" like okay I'm sorry but why does everyone do this T-T also uh HOW TF CAN YOU LIKE SOMEONE YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TALKED TO??????? once again I made it awkward by saying that he liked me or that I liked him or smth (cant remember) but dude why does everyone like my crush lol they don't even know him that well *sobs* what's weird is that I find girls more physically "pleasing" than guys ;-; I'm not saying that they're "attractive" or anything but like uhhh guys aren't physically pleasing at all to me :P no offense but almost all guys i've met irl are ugly imo ;-; uh yeah sorry about the rant and probably way too much information but I just needed to get this out <//3 when I found out I was demiromantic and omniromantic I literally h8ed myself for it.... I still do. I wish I wasn't this way but I cant help it, I have no control over it :"< I wish I could just be straight and love people normally but I cant.... I hate myself for it... I really didn't want to tell anyone on here cuz I thought other people would hate me too. so any hate will be reported, I wont even give you a warning. I 100% understand if you don't support this stuff, I completely know where you're coming from (unless you're hating/don't suppport cuz you hate ppl who are just different then I don't). and if this stuff was a choice then I wouldn't have chosen it T-T please believe me, its not my fault <//3 this has caused a lot of self-hate and triggered mental breakdowns, tho thank goodness I haven't had thoughts of self-harm recently... also my family is queerphobic so its not like I can tell them ;-; yea uh idk....... ty for letting me vent? *sob* idk happy pride month ig (a year ago I would've never thought I would say that, I despised pride when I was younger) i still don't how to feel about all this.. bye ~Blackout
