So, a number of years ago—I think 6, at this point—I came out for the first time as a lesbian. In fact, I think the first time I came out to anyone was via this project (https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/419595106/) to the Scratch community. At the time, it seemed to explain everything. I was 14 years old, confused, and trying to figure myself out, and once I found the label of lesbian, I instantly connected with it. Yes, this was why I had always had close, charged relationships with my female friends! I never ever wanted to date a man, anyway, so it was perfect. It’s only been in the last couple years that I realized that I was very, very wrong about a number of things. The catalyst for this was when I met my now-boyfriend. From the moment I met him for the first time, he stood out to me, and as we grew closer, I realized I had never ever felt so strongly for another person before. It was a hard few months having to go through the whole sexuality crisis thing AGAIN, let me tell you. I had internalized that I was supposed to be gay, in a very similar vein to how I had originally internalized that I was supposed to be straight, and suddenly I was neither. I tossed around the idea of being bisexual, pansexual, heck, even being simultaneously homosexual and demiromantic/demisexual in a weak moment. I wanted to cling so hard to being a lesbian because it had been so important to me for so many years, but I realized that all I was doing was suppressing the very real feelings I had. So, I thought about it for a long time, even after I started dating my boyfriend, and decided to accept the designation of panromantic and demisexual. Neither of these labels are all-encompassing of my full experience of attraction, but they’re the closest I’ve got and the easiest way to describe it. To be honest, I mostly took pan as a designation because of an inside joke my boyfriend and I have, and I really like being silly. Labels can be useful, they can be cumbersome, but in the end, that’s all they are: labels, for convenience. While my whole sexuality crisis thing was happening, another realization was taking place. At one point in my teens, I identified as a demigirl. I used she/they pronouns, but nobody ever really used they with me, so I eventually just kind of gave up. I honestly thought it was completely a phase and mostly forgot about it. Then, I went to college. Now THAT was a culture shock. Almost everyone I met was genderqueer in some way. (Cont. below)
Art, Character, & Design: @Tiki-Draws Music: Anastasia by A Silent Film Pride Flags Featured: Panromantic, Agenderflux, Demisexual, Transgender — However, come my second year of college, things started to shift. I started getting feelings of intense femininity/masculinity, or at least started noticing them. It was right before my boyfriend and I got together that I mentioned for the first time in months that I was agender, and he was stunned (he’d completely forgotten). He started helping me tell our friends, and it came to the forefront of my mind once again. That was when I realized my gender shifted a LOT. I paid more attention and it was constantly fluctuating. I batted around being genderfluid for a while before I eventually settled on agenderflux. A, I liked the flag better (that’s important!) and B, I didn’t feel a gender, per say, as much as I just felt desire to express myself in the ways masc and femme people did. However, I wasn’t trans. I didn’t feel trans. I wasn’t any different than I had always been, so I didn’t take that label. However, it was fall semester that I started connecting with my masc-leaning side. I realized it was substantial. I started fantasizing about getting on T to transform myself into something more like the average of all my (a)genders. I didn’t want it, at the time—it was a pipe dream. I didn’t want to change my pronouns or my name, either. I didn’t think I could get used to people calling me something else. It was all just a fantasy. Then, in the spring, my best friend and my boyfriend decided they had had enough of all my sadness over my fantasies and suggested that I get over myself and try out other pronouns, at least. I was, admittedly, curious, so I said okay, and started using he and they along with she. I discovered I really liked that, especially being called he, because I hadn’t ever been called he before. At that point, along with starting to make plans to get T, I decided trans did fit me. So now that’s where I’m at. In August/September, when I go back to college, I’m pretty much officially moving out of home and into an apartment with my boyfriend (our best friends are right next door), and then I’ll be able to get on T. I can’t come out to my family, but I’m gonna keep what I can a secret for as long as possible. A lot of things about my identity are very fluid, but I’m happy with who I am right now. I’m growing into my skin, finally. Things might change as time goes on, but for now, this is who I am. Happy pride month.
