i dont know how to come out to people, even those i know will be supportive. even those who have literally guessed that im trans or asked me. i just cant seem to say it. its like the words are trapped inside of me. currently, im out to three people irl, four if you count this one stranger who i told at an event because they seemed trustworthy. for some reason, it seemed easier when i didnt know them that well. the people who know are one of my best friends, a former director of mine, and an acquaintance who i'm not even sure i particularly. there's a story for each. the friend. he is trans as well. ive known him since we were both two years old. i had suspected that he suspected i was trans, so i decided to be funny and come out to him with a meme (the "nothing better than a glass of dr pepper" one except i edited it with rootbeer). he read my message, and didnt ever say anything. didnt acknowledge it. i noticed him maybe trying to refer to me with masc nicknames/terms, but thats it. he didnt ask about a name change or anything, which i was hoping he would do so he could help me pick one out that suited me. i worry that he doesnt believe me, that he thinks im not actually trans. i feel like he doesnt act like he sees me as a boy most of the time, but maybe im overreacting. we get compared to each other a lot and i worry that he thinks im copying him. im not. there were a handful of years we barely talked, and that was when i figured it out. i knew i was some form of trans before i even knew he was trans. he's been weird and ghosting me more often. im worried i ruined our friendship. the director. my theatre director last year was like a father to me almost. when he announced he wasnt going to be able to come back the next year, i was really sad he'd never get to know the true me. so the night before the last day of school i wrote him an extremely long letter. i had already hinted at being trans, but this would confirm it. i knew he would be supportive because he has been so supportive of my friend (the one i came out to) all year, so that wasnt an issue. the letter was four pages front and back, detailing the year, how much he'd meant to me that year, and the fact that i was trans. the part i regret about this is that, because i am constantly compared to him, and because he was like a father, i asked if i could use his middle name as mine. middle names dont matter as much, and its a cool middle name. his first name was one id been considering (+)
for myself before meeting him, but after a year of being compared to him and called his name as a joke i feel like i shouldnt do that. people online and the one person who proofread the letter said it was a sweet idea, but i dont know what he thought. i worry he thought it was weird. i also regret giving him the letter at the very end of the day. had i given it to him earlier, he might've been able to give me some opinion, but now i wont see him until maybe the end of this month, and if not then maybe the end of the next, then he goes off to another state. if i never see him, i dont know what i'll do. its been lowkey eating me alive for more than two weeks now. and the acquaintance. the one person who proofread the letter. this person is my other best friend's terrible ex's new partner. why did they get to proofread this letter, of all people? im not actually sure why i agreed to let them read it. last day of school, im crying because of how much i'll miss everyone, and whether or not i should give the letter to the director, and they asked if they could read it. i dont know if its because i was in such a state, or because i was about to leave the room to walk with a friend to the restroom, but i agreed to let them read it and left. came back a few minutes later and they gave me a hug and said they'd suspected i was trans and it was a sweet letter and idea that i'd had. our relationship is complicated given their relation to my best friend and the fact that they've done some interesting things which i wont go into but i dont have a way to talk to them. i dont have anyone to talk to about this letter ive written. the first friend skimmed the first part of the letter but he definitely didnt read it all and though i need to talk to someone about this, i couldnt possibly bring myself to explain the full thing to him. the words get caught in my throat when i speak, and he hasnt been answering my texts. does it get better? my family is incredibly unsupportive and i live in a very southern red state. i cant bring myself to come out to people who i know will be supportive, even who are tarns themselves for fear of rejection and what could happen if it gets out. i dont want to "i saw the tv glow" my whole life but i cant bring myself to do anything else. i had made a pact with myself to come out and be very out and open if my first friend joined choir, which he did, but i might have to break it. im just so scared. if none of this makes sense then we're on the same page. i might delete this after a bit but i just needed to say something.
