For context: Mind is the narrator, he is a 'neurodivergent automaton' (in Soul's words) and sometimes struggles to communicate, especially in loud social places and heavy social situations. He suddenly cannot speak verbally in these episodes and tends to prefer either no communication or a wordless form of communication. This usually happens when he's alone, but this time, it happened when he was with Heart and Soul. ---- I shut down. Words were too large to articulate. I wish I knew what caused it, but suddenly my throat closed. It was loud. Sounds were so, so much. I can’t right now. The bolts on my hands were suddenly interesting, but I was told to stop. I can’t right now. The sounds were like a tidal wave, and I was drowning in the first centimeter, unaware of the meters that wash before me. I can’t right now. It was pathetic. I don’t remember where I was or who I was with. Probably Heart or Soul or Primrose. All I know is that I couldn’t get back to my own reality. No, I was there, I remember hearing everything, and everyone and every conversation going on at the same time, but my head refused to cooperate to my own conversations. My mouth stayed wired shut. I have no mouth, but I must scream. I still walk with them, whoever the faces were, my sensors refused to differentiate them, both had button noses and curly hair. I couldn’t recognize it. I didn’t know these people. But my body did. My body knew these people more than I did. I continued to follow them, watching one turn his head back and tilt it. “Are you okay?” I don’t think I am, but I couldn’t say anything, as my brain couldn’t streamline thoughts into words specifically. I could think. I knew that I was in an unsafe environment, but I couldn’t specifically verbalize it. Why. This was foolish and childlike; I shouldn’t be doing this. I should be covering for them, not freezing up. I shook my head. “What’s wrong?” THAT’S THE PROBLEM! I can’t articulate! I would articulate the issue if I could, but my jaw is stuck in place and I can’t hear myself think and I guess I’m doing it right now, but that’s not the subject of the matter, I can’t think. Well, I can. But my brain doesn’t want to put these thoughts into words. I shrugged. And there was a quiet murmur from the two faces in front of me, sensors struggled to differentiate them, but one had a blindfold and wings and the other didn’t. The winged one ‘looked’ back to me, not saying a word like I was some child. “Is it loud?” He finally asked. I nodded almost immediately. Of course, it’s loud as hell! People are talking in the distance. I can barely keep my head on straight as each conversation is being processed. I gripped my cane tighter. I didn’t want to know about some unruly kid or someone’s ex-husband. I just wanted to get what I needed done and leave, but I couldn’t even focus on leaving! I couldn’t even speak! “We can go back home if you need to.” The deal is today and today only though. I can trudge through it, I promise, but I couldn’t speak my mind. I scrambled for a proper breath of air; hands shook. I could follow through with it, we could go home, but at this point, just throw that money away. I hate living in a world where everything is paid for. I shook my head. I didn’t need to leave. I’m a grown adult, I can handle a tough space. The angel ‘looked’ at the other one, the one wearing a red, oversized jacket, then they both turned their heads back to me. The one in the jacket started tapping away on his phone. He read for a moment before whispering to the angel. “I think he went nonverbal.” Was that the proper term? I didn’t know. I’m a functional automaton, I don’t have these certain descriptors. Then what the angel said made me go in slight disbelief. “Mind. Are you nonverbal right now?” Was I nonverbal? This happened often, especially at the gym and other environments akin to a gym, where all the equipment clanging was like a fork to a dinner plate. Those places where I can’t speak. Those places where people try to talk to me, but I force out my end of the conversation and end up with more anxiety. I couldn’t remember if I nodded or shrugged. “Okay.” The angel and the man in the jacket continued to communicate. I couldn’t. But I saw them communicate for me. The weight on my shoulders felt a little bit less as the conversations I had no part in seemed to fade away as we left the store, holding the things we got on such a great deal. We situated the groceries in the car, and once back on the road, I realized that I felt much, much safer and my sensors started recognizing things again (thank Harmonia). I managed a quiet “Thank you” after being on the road for about 5 minutes. Heart placed Soul’s phone on the dash with it unlocked, the screen showed an article about situational mutism. As I read, it made sense.
