So, it’s been boutta month since Boiled passed. I haven’t heard from Fog for a while either. Luna’s in a bad position and hasn’t been online… And my partner has been too sick to be online. Tried a few days ago (and if you’re seeing this, for Pete’s sake, focus on getting better. Don’t worry about us.) Life sure does have one sick sense of humor, dunnit? Making us worry about everyone and everything before just… Shattering you in one swift blow. I miss them. I feel helpless to help and stupid for trying so hard. After all… I’m just some random freak behind the screen, yeah? Can’t do nothin’ for ya. I’m sorry. Sorry I couldn’t keep you together. Sorry I can’t be there to hold you as you fall apart. Sorry that I can’t call for help and get you out. Sorry I pushed too hard and sent you over the edge. Sorry for overthinking late at night when I say I’m fine, even though I haven’t been for years. Sorry for getting your hopes up that things’ll work out, that if you push, you’ll be okay. Sorry for missing you so much it physically hurts sometimes. I wish I could change things. Go back in time and tell you not to worry, that you need to take better care of yourself… Even if I’m following in your footsteps as we speak. I’m sorry for failing you when you needed a shoulder to cry on. I’m sorry for trying to offer a path you didn’t want to take. I’m sorry for talking too much or not enough. Sorry for opening up only to backpedal and shut down. Sorry for putting up so many walls, I suffocate myself and everyone around me. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, let alone save myself. I’m sorry I didn’t go in your place. It shouldn’t have been you. It should have been me in that casket.
I haven’t cried in so long, I got spooked when my face started getting wet. Scared when my eyes began to burn from tears unshed for way too long. I’m wiping them away as fast as I can. I hate crying. I’ll probably delete this in a state of panic when I wake up. If I even go to sleep lmao. It’s already two in the morning.
