(Normal warnings-srry for the wait!!!!) Chapter 22: June Things that should not bother me this much: ~Paper torn not along the tear lines ~Butter in the jelly ~That it has been exactly two weeks and six days since I last talked to Kai Brooks Friday, Oct 27th, 4:06pm I stare at the document on my computer, unsure if I have ever felt such visceral rage. No. Nu-uh. He does not get to do this. I have the brief urge to shut my computer and this email, calmly stand up, and then chuck the whole thing out of the window. Just...no. Is it not enough that he acts like I don't exist? Is it not enough that for some IDIOTIC reason that hurts my STUPID feelings? Nope. That complete and utter dirtbag has to mess up my grade too. Not on my watch. I jump up from my bed and grab my keys, flying down the steps and out into the bitter autumn cold. Without a coat. At this point I'm fueled purely by uncontrollable fury. Who needs warmth when the fire of anger brews in your soul? I turn the key to my car. It stutters. I frown. I walk down the street, the next one, and then a few blocks down. I knock on the door and hear rustling inside. All of the sudden I'm struck with the horrible thought that maybe his parents will answer. And then they will see a ruffled, red cheeked, girl with half brushed hair and clothes that I generally do not wear in public as a steadfast rule. Sweatpants and an oversized shirt. Not at all dignified. But before I have time to worry about trying to plead that case that no, I am not a psychopath-the door swings open. And there's Kai Brooks. His hair is messy, his eyes have circles under them and- My brain falters. I blink, anger momentarily forgotten. "Why aren't you wearing a shirt?!" I demand, like the clothes police I apparently now am. Kai blinks. A lot. His sea green eyes are slightly dazed, and he's looking at me like maybe I'm going to disappear if he breathes too hard. "June?" I cross my arms, choosing to rekindle that anger. "Excuse me? The question?" He stares for another second then looks down. Then his eyebrows shoot up, like he's just now realizing that his torso is very bare, and the weather is very much not-tropical. "I was...sleeping?" He says it like a question. "At four in the afternoon?" I ask incredulously. He shrugs. "Why aren't you wearing a coat? Actually-much better question-why are you here?!" I don't say that it's a free country, because technically this is kinda sorta trespassing. Instead, I hold up the printed copy of his document and shove it at his face. "What is this? What is it, Brooks? Cause this sure as heck ain't your paper for our project, not if you want to live past sixteen." Kai smirks, though it doesn't totally reach his eyes. Maybe he's still sleepy. "I do, in fact, wish to continue existing." His smile falters a bit and he glances behind him. "Do you want to...come inside?" I follow his gaze. I never really thought this far in my plan. Who am I kidding. There was no plan. "Maybe...maybe just for a bit I have to get back for dinner soon." He nods and gestures for me to follow. He closes the door, and all of the sudden it's a lot warmer. "Just-give me one second." I nod and he darts upstairs. There's a fire in the hearth, and I shift to be nearer to it. Sitting atop the shelf are several pictures, and I examine them. There's one of Kai when he was pretty young, with a gap-toothed smile and chubby little cheeks. I can't help smiling back, he's so adorable. The other is of Kai perhaps in middle school, standing with his parents and the principal. Then there's one of him, maybe a year or so ago, smiling with a mouth full of braces and hugging his dad. He's not beaming quite as wide in that one. He looks older, not just in body but in his eyes. I wonder what changed. "I, too, love a good snoop." Kai says from behind me. I spin around. "I wasn't-I didn't mean to-I'm sorry-" "Nah, I would've done the same." He chuckles. "Man that sounds wrong." There's a long silence. For a moment, we'd lapped back into friendly ways. But just as quickly, the gap between us springs up. This isn't us locked in school, forced to be together. This is real life. We're together because we chose to be. I'm not sure what to make of that. Kai clears his throat, looking away. He's wearing a green soccer jersey now, along with his pj pants. "I didn't read the book." I blink. "What?" He sighs, running a hand through his hair, making it messier. "I didn't read it. I tried. I even got the audiobook, tried to listen to it before bed, so it'd be soothing...it's not the same." "Not the...same?" I repeat, feeling slow. He shrugs, still not meeting my eyes. "The audiobook lady can't help me understand it. Like-a lark is a bird, right? So why do they say it like a million times? 'He's having a lark' WHAT? Like-he's eating a bird?! I don't get it." Kai throws up his hands in frustration and I laugh. That's something fun about Kai. Even when he's not trying, he always manages to make me laugh.
Smile. Make the world feel a little less dark. "Okay, okay. We still have till winter break-we can finish the book then write the report. What if we meet up every so often? And I can explain stuff and we can take turns reading aloud?" Kai was grinning, but it fades a little at that. He plays with the hem of his shirt, twisting it one way and another. "I don't know...would your b0yfr13nd be okay with that?" I do a double take. Who could he...oh. He probably means Penten. I guess it has looked a little like that, what with us spending more time together. I've been helping him out with chemistry, and honestly...it's been good. It's almost surreal, how different this version of him is. Sweet and patient and kind. And I know what he wants. He hasn't brought it up again recently, but I know he'd like us to d4t3. I'm just not sure if my heart can trust him again. "Ummm...he's not...my b0yfr13nd exactly." I say, trying to figure out how to explain it. "It's complicated." Kai nods. Swallows. Glances up. "Well...if it wouldn't bother him...sure." He gives a small smile. Then his phone screen lights up on the coffee table and he looks down. "Shoot." He says, hopping up. "I gotta go." "Oh-okay." I get up and grab my stuff, heading to the door. "See you later then?" Something flashes over Kai's face but it's too fast for me to read it. "Yeah." Chapter 23: Kai Things you wouldn't guess about me: ~Surprise surprise-I'm not always a goofball! I do have the capacity to be serious ;) ~I am...quite afraid of the dark ~Also clowns ~I hate horror movies, I prefer my pants dry, thank you ~Though I laugh and I smile, my life is falling apart. And I have no clue how to fix it Friday, Oct 27th, 5:27pm My childhood was the sort where you learn to read faces. Decipher emotions. Carefully plan when and where and how to request something, if you need it. I love my parents. I really do. Me loving them has never been a problem. The problem was little me, trying to figure out why my parents didn't love each nearly as much as I loved them. It's been years since the divorce. I've adjusted. I feel like that's all I do in life. Adjust. Adjust to my new living situation, adjust to seeing my mother once a week, or sometimes less, adjust to the fact that June has a b0yfr13nd-or something like it-and that it is not, and cannot be me. Every time I settle in, something comes to rock the boat. Dad's the first one into the house. He's stony-faced, unreadable, but his eyes are red. He's been crying. My stomach drops. My dad has only ever cried a few times in front of me, that I can remember. Once when he and Mom first started fighting. Once when I got upset and asked him why we couldn't just be happy, normal. And when he found out I was alive after that weekend. That weekend. When I single-handedly screwed up my whole life. First of all, I got to know the girl who is now steadily breaking my heart, one little sliver at a time. Second of all, I sent a splinter of a crack through ice I didn't realize was so thin. When Mom and Dad first found out I was okay, they were overjoyed. That lasted about two days. And then came the fighting. More of it. Mom was convinced that if she'd been there, it never would've happened. Dad argued that there was nothing he could've done. I hid in my room with my earbuds all the way up, a sick, awful sense of familiarity writhing through me. After the divorce, I was miserable. But at the same time, there was relief in it. Knowing that there wouldn't be the ups and downs of never knowing what my parents would do next. Finally I would be done with the arguing. The fact that it was back was nearly enough to give me a panic attack. Especially since now, there was less yelling. More tight whispers over phone calls, meetings while I was at school, looks that I didn't understand passing all the time. I knew what to do with the yelling. Hide in my closet, or under my covers, or sneak onto the roof. Turn the music all the way up and dream of somewhere that wasn't here. The new way made me feel nauseous. They were hiding something. Dad goes straight upstairs, barely glancing at me. My mother's next, and she looks determined. Almost...triumphant? She walks like a woman with a plan. And all the fear I've felt this past month peaks, my insides flipping with worry. I don't think I've slept more than five hours a night for the past several weeks. I can turn on all the lights and put the fan on and listen to music or an audiobook... But I can't turn off my thoughts. I can't tune down my anxiety. I feel so helpless. "Kai? There's something we need to talk about." And when someone says this, you know it's not good. No one ever says 'there's something we need to talk about' and then hands you a puppy. "Yes?" Mom cups my hands in hers and my eyes widen. This is bad. This is so bad. And then she does it. She's never been one to drag things out. "We're moving to Georgia." And just like that. Just four words. And my life falls apart. (...0-0)
