Date: last night, July 1st 2026. so it started off with my family and I eating pizza for dinner. near the end my parents are like "so what u gonna try out for this year?" as in sports.my dad said i should really do golf because 1. he wants me to teach him 2. he wants to have a purpose to go out and have fun with me 3. because apperantly i suck at every other sport ive ever played my mom said she wants me to do tennis. my dad said that it's to much running in tennis, I suck at volleyball, we're too far away for rock climbing, i suck at soccer, i suck at softball, he doesnt like me doing MMA, and that im not strong enough to do Archery. like he hasnt even seen me do archery and ive never done it so how could he know how good i will and wont be at Archery? like idc if U thought it was hard when u went hunting! u were like 10 and lived in flipping Montana! We're across the country now in texas! they said that they know i like to challenge myself academically, socially, and physically but that they dont think i'd be able to push through or carry on! then they said 'yea jordyn (my 9 year old SISTER!) is AMAZING at Softball and she can easily get a scholarship! bc in softball, volleyball, etc. big sports u HAVE to be NUMBER ONE to get anything good like a scholarship!' like that i dunno makes me think that they dont think im up for a challenge bc they said that i should do golf/tennis bc not very many ppl play it so it's an easy no effort scholarship! Like yea sure but it makes me feel like they dont think im physically capable of a contact sport like Volleyball! or like yk Social Interaction since Volleyball is a loud sport. they said it's be easier for me to get a golf scholarship or an academic scholarship easy-no brainer. like yea sure maybe i can do that as a back-up but i want smth challenging! You guys flipping treat me like a GLASS PRINCESS! i hate that! then here's the college part; so my mom said 'yea my dad said he wanted me to do soccer in college and i HATED it but i did it anyways and loved it!' like just tell me what you actually mean! 'oh yea i want u to do wtvr we choose for u to do and youll be happy with it!'. and like it's stressing me out like how im already enrolled in ASU like what if i mess up? WHAT IF I RUIN MY FUTURE?! maybe it's that im terrified of making any mistakes or that im terrified on how close i am to actual IRL college! in which i plan to attend. IT'S SO FLIPPING SCARY! i dont think im ready but i dont wanna disapoint my parents. if u now me then u should know that one of my biggest fears is FAILURE & DISAPOINTMENT! more venting srry; like im so proud of myself for making it to 7th grade with so many achivements yea but im also terrified of going on with life after everything ive lost. im scared of failing. im scared of making mistakes! im scared of not knowing what to do! im scared of my future teachers! im scared of how close i am to 9th grade/high school! How close i am to 16/getting my driver's license! im scared of losing friends! Im scared of gaining new friends like what if they hurt me like all my past ones? im scared of saying the wrong thing. im scared of doing the wrong thing. im scared of hating the wrong thing. im scared of supporting the wrong thing. im scared of going the wrong way or taking an unfamiliar route in life! im scared of all the things that could and couldnt happen! im so scared of everything.... Depression; so yea ive had depression for 5 YEARS now. it mostly went up WAY HIGH in fourth grade. my parents dont know yet that i have bad depression. im scared of telling them. my mom already calls me emo bc im not a preppy girly girl. what if they hate me if they find out im depressed?! what if they kick me out?! what if they punish me? tease me? what if they send me to some boarding school to 'get my act together'?! what if they send me to all-day therapy?! all these 'what ifs' are TERRIFYING! i dont wanna ruin my life over a mental condition that i couldnt fix myself! im sorry: yea ik some others might have it worse like some kids who have Homophobic parents who dont know yet that they are LGBTQIA+ or kids who have 'heavily religious' parents and are frries/therians/etc. ik call me dramatic. hate me. call me broken. call me annoying. call me mean. call me ungrateful. call me all these nasty things. ive been told them before. im sorry for the way i am, i truly am sorry. 'trauma type': im guessing this is the reason my parents (mostly my mom) call me the trauma type kid, messed up one, where they went wrong, etc. ima name an event in my life then name how i changed after that event like this; event-outcome. year 2023: my best friend moved from Texas to ireland-stopped reading/watching harry potter and making as close friends. (we bonded over Harry Potter and talked about it 80% of the time)
year 2024: my best friend left me for the new furry/emo girl in class-my anger type became silent/ghosting (which means when im angry i dont confront or yell abt it. i just stay silent and ghost them. drift away from them.) and started staying away from furries/therians/etc. year 2024: tornado Temple TX. i was at my grandparents house and my parents were at home. tornado hit-fear of bad storms, fear of hard rain, fear of strong winds, fear of dark gray/black/purple clouds. year 2024: my dog died bc my grandparents left my autistic 30 y.o uncle at home while they went off to vacation in mexico for another 6 months. fed him the wrong thing-hate the vet, way more distant to my uncle, hate my grandparents a bit. year 2025: my best friend left me to literally JOIN the 'furries' (the school/grade called them furries, no offense to anyone if i call a group of ppl like that furries. it's just shorter and more comfortable for me after all these years) and i became the 'side friend' (i'll make a project on what a side friend is)-started hating furries/therians/etc. and not being friends with theirans/furries/LGBTQIA+/etc. year 2026: my beloved dog, Buster, got hit at the age 11 by a mexian iIIegaI imigrant speeding on our road without a license-didnt ride in a truck for a month or 2 after that and started talking/laying to/on the dirt where he was hit and where he was buried year 2026: a week later i found out that my parents actually told the vet to k!ll him because they never loved him and he was a 'waste of money'-started hating my parents, stayed in my room a lot more, listens to music a lot now, hate the vet even more year 2026: not gonna say any names, promise. my best friends left me due to the events in 2026 and started nasty things abt me-scared of losing friends, scared of making new friends, scared of moving on. ive changed so much--too much--over the years. just 3-4 years ago i was this innocent, depression-free, happy, smart, content, bubbly, pink-prepy, pastel loving, full of life, girl. now im this hated, ugly, mean, too much yet too little, annoying, confused, depressed, overwhelmed, stressed, girl. it's all just too much too handle... TY to anyone who read through it all. the venting in both boxes. im sorry for it being this long. i dont expect that anyone would actually read through it rather than skim through or skip it. idek how i went from last night to years in the past.
