Not gonna be on as often ig starting now. No matter how close I get to actually getting a job or whatever my mom will never support me animating, writing, or VAing. Doesn't matter if I have my own life so long as I live under her roof she dictates it. So today she told me no more. She says animating takes up too much of my time which I could be using for other things- she says that as if I have smth else to do ._. So ig ill go stare at a wall instead while she complains to me about how bad a person I am :3 Then ig ill start looking for "normal person" careers and be even more depressed bc I can't do what makes me happy bc it upsets my mom for some reason :D I actually used to vent in, like, diaries and stuff, yknow? But my mom found one and got so, so mad. She didnt try fixing our relationship she got mad how I take everything. So i started writing in different languages. She caught on, translated them, yelled at me again. she started /crying/ in front of me saying all she wanted was an actual daughter- a normal girl who wears girl clothes and likes girl things, not an autistic girl like me who wears graphic tees, likes more "boyish" things and whatever. When i started crying, WHILE SHE WAS CRYING, i got called a crybaby and too sensitive. Well im sorry, kinda hard not to cry when 1. im autistic. 2. My mother is explaining to me im a disappointment. 3. im already depresso espresso as it is X_X She wonders why i never vent to her but its like, all i do is get yelled at if i explain how i feel to her. I NEVER EVER yell or judge my mom when she vents to me. I sit, listen, and comfort her in any way i can. My lil brother- the one she loves and supports so much? Has called her ugly to her face many times. Has insulted her after she tried venting to her. Im the one doing amazing in school he had to be taken out and is homeschooled now bc he wasnt doing good. idk what im doing wrong. idk why im such a dissapointment. I remember at my 8th bday party (jeez- that was a while ago XD) she told my best friend that she;d rather have her has a daughter than me. She said that while i was sitting right there- x-x idk what im supposed to do with my life anymore- ive tried so hard to be a VA or animator (not just on Scratch) but whatever. my lil brother can do whatever he wants- he wants to be a y0utuber? my mom supports it. Singer? Sure. If i were to even ask my mom to make a yt channel (which ive tried) she freaks out. I remember being little and singing to myself (mind you, i was, like, four) and my mom came in and told me I suck at singing. to a four year old. Okay. Not saying im a good singer, she's prob right but i was minding my own business and i love music. also, you dont say that to a four year old. years later and it still bugs me X_X My dad actually got after he for once about it and she pulled the "Oh. okay. so im the bad guy. im always the bad guy" trying to make him feel bad but its like- yknow what? yeah. in this case you are. My dad supports me wanting to animate and he's not even blood related to me. I dont talk much to him bc he's always at work (bc my mom made him quit his other job and his new job sucks) but when i do we'll complain about my mom, laugh about it, and im able to express my feelings about life to him and its so nice but so rare. My mom made my dad quit music- my dad's not a great singer but he'd scream for his own band and was happy. she wonders why he comes home looking sad all the time- he wants to do music just as bad as i want to animate/VA.
UPDATE 7/3/26 around 6ish PDT: Uhm... I JUST got done telling someone how i was fine, over this, doing better, then i went upstairs to go get some water and my mom was there. She has no idea I've literally been on scratch this entire time so i was talking to her and i was like "Hey, you're not gonna judge me for using my laptop to look up some music to play on my keyboard, right" (just trying to make sure so if she walks in she doesnt freak out.) Her response?: "Yeah, no, that's fine since it actually requires talent." I looked at her and lwk snapped saying "Whats that supposed to mean? Animating requires talent too and considering I only recently started animating on that one website," (scratch) "I think im pretty okay at it." and she was like "Okay. sure." then just walked upstairs- what? like- what? what the- what's she trying to- what does she mean by that?! what- oh my gosh.
